the funeral

pacing. that's what i was doing.
pacing and twirling one thick
strand of chocolate brown hair
around my thin fingers. i've never
been married and i wasn't truly old
enough to remember my birth father's
death but this is brutal. i can't see my
momma like this. it breaks my heart
and i know she's probably cryin' but
my feet won't move and my hands
won't budge. i can't be her rock.

hell, i can't even be my own rock.
theo keeps sitting by the front door.
hes waiting for me to open the door.
i know he wants to lay at moms feet.
comfort her like hes been doing with
me for the past few days.

"Good boy. Just give me a few more minutes."

i need them.
i need those tiny little minutes.
to rebuild my composure.
to rub away the salty tears
that have my eyes burning
red. red. like the tie dad wore
to his grave. like the roses that
encircled his goodbye wreath.
like the collar around theos neck
while he gets restless.

"Don't look at me like that."

i can tell what hes thinking. he's thinking about how much of a coward i am.
hes angry at the fact that i'm afraid to face my mothers tear drenched face
because i know the second my eyes lock onto her current state i'll want to
lay in her lap and cry myself to sleep. i miss him. but more importantly she
misses him. she misses the reassuring touches he'd often give whenever she
needed them most. but hes not here to give them now.

i am.

chest heaving up and down.
hands swiping at my eyes.
legs reluctantly moving towards the door.
and my hand reaches out to turn the knob.
tears already threatened to flow as soon as
i opened the door and stepped in. i didn't
even acknowledge anyone as i entered the
house. my gaze followed theo as he
manuevered through a sea of familiar legs
in order to find that one. and he does.

bathrobe wrapped tightly around her like a safety
blanket. eyes downcast. hair a mess. i've never
seen her like this before. i've never seen my
mother so distraught, so broken, so...

something clicks in my chest.
a fire burning deep down in my heart
so intense that it almost hurts. i say
nothing as i approach. my arms engulf
her shorter frame gently as if moving too
fast might cause her to break. its my
turn to nurture now. that damn man.
the smell of him on the robe is thick
and welcoming. i should be crying
for his absence but my tears are angry.
if i could i'd grow wings. fly to the heavens
and beat the shit out of him for doing this
to her. for leaving my mother. for leaving me.
for leaving all of us in a time when we needed
him most. how dare he?! how dare he leave
us all to reconfigure our lives? how dare he
break so many hearts?

i hold her tighter now. my hands move to wipe away
the stray tears that seem endless as they fall from
her eyes. and the anger inside me helps me to be
strong. it motivates me. drives me to do whatever
i need to do in order for her be okay.

theo lays his big furry head onto her lap as if he means
to say that he's willing to do anything to help as well
and together we silently vow to lift every weight from
my mothers shoulders until she's ready to be on her
own again. its time for the roles to switch.

and although i'm sure that i'm not ready to take on that kind of responsibility,
i'd do anything for my mother as shes always done for me.

"It'll be okay momma. It'll be okay."
my lips press against her temple
and i smile despite the tears stinging
my eyes. i know we can do this.

but if i could. i'd resurrect him so i wouldn't have to see the look of pain in her eyes.