jack1

I didn't plan on sending you this,
but seeing as there's no way you'll read this now...
I suppose I've got nothing to lose.

There was this one time when we were smaller.
Your eyes were the size of giant saucers
and I swore that I could get lost in them.
I got this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia
just by staring into your o c e a n eyes.
I imagined that there was a house on an island somewhere far beyond your sea.

S o p h i e, my dear, dear S o p h i e.
Don't you know we were supposed to die t+o+g+e+t+h+e+r?
Our graves would be sidebyside.
And the maggots that ate at your flesh would eat at mine.
We were meant to take our last breaths at the same time.
To stare deep into each others hearts and rest there forever
Even when they've stopped beating.

But you couldn't say no, could you?
You had to ⇅pick⇅up⇅ the fucking needle.
And I had to finish off that bottle of brandy.

That day we were supposed to have lunch.



Maybe even go...
We were probably gonna go....
I just...

I just really wanted you to go to
with me.
Maybe even go to the park.
We were probably gonna go to the park.

And
xxxxs
xxxxxxw
xxxxxxxxxi
xxxxxxxxxxxn
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxg.

And↗ ↘↗ ↘ ↗ ↘↗ ↘↗ ↘↗ ↘

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxs
xxxxxxxxxxxw
xxxxxxxxxi
xxxxxxn
xxxxg.
And...


Instead we spent the afternoon worrying.
About satanic ska concerts.
About the Loch Ness monster.
About how long it would be before the doctors brought you back.


Those saucers of yours.

They

Rolled

Rolled.

Rolled

far back into your

alkdjgfyrewgfasjkdgheadlkjguiygajfkahgfha.

Just DYING resting there for a while.
I thought for a second that you were playing a game.
maybe hide — and —seek.
Or perhaps you were,
e x a m i n i n g — the — ridges.
You know,
Those dxxXpxx and d
xxxxxxxxixxxsxxxxxxxi
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxv
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxe
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxs

and gel filled spaces in your brain.

So I just

w a i t e d.

And sat like that for

h o u r s.

12345

12345

12345

HOPINGHOPINGHOPING that your

own

p e r s o n a l

oceans

would surface.

And its tide would consume me once again.


But you never opened your eyes.
And I felt my heart d
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxr
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxo
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxp.

B--✂---R---✂---E---✂---A---✂---K

s h a t t e r

against the pit of my stomach.

And me?



I had to finish off that last bottle of brandy.
rest in peace.
love jack.

spooning

the past two days have been pure hell.
swollen eyes. claws scratching against
the walls of my uterus. food coming up
as soon as it goes down. i feel weak.
my head keeps spinning. my teeth grind
against each other. hands clutch at nothing.
just reaching for anything to help me. i feel
useless. a prisoner in this shell that i call
a body. i feel so vulnerable. so... so scared.

i move to sit up but a sharp pain stops me.
i want to drink water but my throat is too
sore from all the throwing up. this is so
pathetic. i'm pathetic...


hands no bigger then my own gently pull me closer.
arms will me to sleep with a slow and steady movement.
breath against the back of my neck feels cold yet comforting.
that familiar smell fills my lungs. brings me back to earth.
makes me remember that i wasn't alone. she was always
with me. keeping me safe from other people and making
sure that i was safe from my self. she held my hair when i
threw up washed me in the showers upstairs. clothed me.
helped me sleep.


my savior. my guardian angel. my bestfriend. my one true love...

a fragile creature

lo said she was gonna spend the whole day with me
an i got all dressed up real nice like. i put on my favorite
dress an' lina curled my hair real pretty an' an' i sat on
the couch smilin' crazier than somuh the cartoons on
tv an' i waited. lina didn't like it though. she told me to
call her if i got scared or summ'n cause lo likes tuh
bring me 'round bad men an' lina knows what happened.

lina knows what happened when mama left me alone
with her friend and when loli left me with her friend. i
don't want that again. i don't like that feelin' an' i was
scared but i stayed. i waited for her righ' there. right
on the couch cause she said she was gonna take me
out an i was just gonna watch tv until she got ready.

the bell rings.
i can see its a
man through the
window an' i don't
wanna open it so i
just stand real close
tuh the door an' i wait.

he'll go away if ain't nobody to answer the door.
he can't see me. he don't know i'm there an' lo's
up stairs. she ain't gonna answer it neither but he
keeps ringin the bell. an ringing the bell an ringin..

an here comes lo. tshirt an panties an the door
opens an he comes inside an they go up stairs.

i wait. wait for lina tuh come home. wait for lo
tuh tell that man to leave. wait for somethin'
tuh save me. an they start makin noise upstairs
an i cover my ears cause that's what lina told
me tuh do an i wait some more. they didn't even
close the door. lo didn't even care that i was there
an' she didn't want to take me out no more cause
she got new company an i just left. i walked down
the street 'til my feet hurt an my face got all wet
from cryin. but there was music an i just walked
towards it an there was the carnival. bright lights
an' people smilin an rides an animals. lo didn't take
me out but i was gonna take myself out an' have my
own fun.

elephant ears. cotton candy. pony rides. corn dogs.
cheesy fries. corn. turkey legs. clowns. face painters.

i got mah face painted right away! i love rabbits an
she painted me up just like one. even gave me the
ears an' lina gave me money fer tuhday an i paid
the lady for it an' she smiled real nice an told me
no. people at the carnival are real nice, you know.

she made me feel real happy cause lolita didn't
take me out tuhday but i got my face painted up
real nice for free! an then a clown gave me paper
flowers an he said i looked real nice an then i saw
the games. last year, lina took me here an she won
me a reeeeally big bunny. an i named her minnie an
i wanna win one his time for mahself. so i get all
excited an run over but i dint watch where i was goin
an i ran right into these two boys an we fell.

i cut my knee on somethin. my arm hurts an i think i was
layin on one uh them. he was way smaller than the other one
an i was real sorry but i couldn't say nothin. my mouth wasn't
workin. cause i was scared. they might make funna me an
some people were already laughin. so i stood up an i looked
down at mah shoes an i just waited til they got up.

"I'm real sorry. I didn't mean to."

mah knee was hurtin. my heart was hurtin
an' i just looked at the ground cause i didn't
wanna see their faces in case they got mad
an there was a lady with them an i seen her
around an i didn't wanna sound stupid so i just
said 'i'm sorry' and 'excuse me' cause that's what's
right tuh do. i know i got dirt on mah face or sumthin
and i know i got to do somethin tuh make up for it.

mah cotton candy is still in my bag an' i hold it out
to the lady. smiling cause i know she won't be mad
if i smile some.

"Here, I'll give you mah cotton
candy cause that's how sorry I am."

i've seen them around at the park and near the lake sometimes.
but we ain't friends or nothin. i remember the ladies eyes. they're
bluer than the sky i think. or maybe just the same kind. an shes
real pretty an the boy i fell on must be her boy cause hes got the
same eyes.

i needa watch where i'm goin.

ava's worry

i've only been scared two times in my entire life. the first time was when i thought i was gonna be a momma and the second was right now.
i pulled up to the house we're rentin' out and the first thang i notice is the fact that the front door is open. now normally i ain't one t' be paranoid er nothin' but when you got a mentally challenged girl in the house you don' jus' think its all good an dandy. you run your ass on in and you locate 'er first before you check anywhere else in the house. there's shit everywhere. couch pillows on the floor, empty beer bottles, cigarette buds, dirty plates. nah i know this ain't her work 'cause she knows i like myself a clean house but i keep goin.

SHE AIN'T IN THE KITCHEN. AIN'T IN THE LIVIN' ROOM. AIN'T ON THE BACK PORCH.
THE BATHROOM. THE PATEO. THE CLOSET. THE ATTIC. THE BASEMENT. THE GAREN
OUT BACK.

i'm tellin you. she ain't no where t' be seen and that's when i start to panic.
my hearts starts racing, skins gettin' cold, and i swear i'm breakin' out into
a sweat. heads in my hands and i keep tryna think o' somethin. she ain't
one t' leave when someone's home an' i know someones home i told....

there's a knockin up stairs. gigglin. some more knockin.
the bloods boilin in mah veins and i swear i'm seeing red.
flyin up the stairs like i got rockets under mah heels. i'm
gon' kill this girl. i'm gon' kill 'er, i' gon' kill 'er, i'm gon kill 'er.
an ima shoot the bastard that's up stairs. she was 'spose t'
be watchin Ava an she knows damn well that the girl gets
bored... i shoulda taken her t' work with me. i coulda had
her fold towels and made her one uh them pink pops
she likes so much. i can see 'er walkin down the street
in mah head. cars drivin past an she just gets in with
anyone cause she don't know no better. i mean she
ain't stupid but sawyer ain't big an if she seen them
at the bar she ain't gone think nothin of it.

this girl better pray for a miracle cause i'm gonna
whoop her ass so bad her god damn momma's
gonna feel it in 'er grave!

"Lo! LOOOOOOO! you skanky ass little girl.
Open this door before I kick it down an' I
mean it I will."

i can hear her shushin somebody. gigglin and moanin.
how the fuck could she do that? how could she do that
to her own flesh an blood? i'm gonna kill 'er. i swear ain't
nobody gonna stop me from chokin this little bitch. god himself
ain't gonna be able to pry my hands from 'round her skinny little
neck.

"I ain't gon' ask agin, Lolita. I'm only gonna
count t' four an' if this shit ain't open i swear!"

ONE. smoke should be comin outta mah nose an' ears by now.
TWO. my eyes are burnin' i can feel me tearin' up. an i hate cryin. i jus wanna kick somethin'.
THREE. my shoulders heevin' up 'n down an' i know she ain't gonna open it.
FOUR. fists clenched so tight i can feel the blood beneath y skin close t' comin' out.

i ain't countin t' five the stupid bitch.
ain't gotta do much. one swift kick
blew the door open an' i came in
ready fer murder.

"Stay."

the dumbass she's been fuckin prolly all afternoon ain't movin.
i know he can see the devil floatin up just beneath the surface
of mah skin an' i know she can see it too. i ain't thinkin none.
draggin her off the bed by her arm while she protests. askin'
me who i think i am. tellin me i ain't her momma. shes damn
right too. the whoppin i got in mah head ain't nothin her momma
even thought up. i pull 'er to the stairs where you can see the
damn couch.

"What do yuh see, Lolita? What the fuck o you see?"

"Nothin, Lee. Now let go uh mah arm. You're hurtin me.
Actin' all crazy in fronna mah guest."

"That's right girl. Ain't nothin on the couch.
Ain't no one in the kitchen or in the back
yard an' ain't no one anywhere else in
here."

she's lookin at me all crazy an' i ain't lettin go of her arm none.
i wan' her t' see what she done gone an' did an' it don't take her
long. shakin herself free she runs down the stairs an' i watch her
goin' everywhere like a chicken without a head. stupid ass girl.
she keeps callin out her name an lookin everywhere but i don't
got no time for that. i hit the bottom of the stairs an' here she comes
t' ask me a dumbass question.

"I let her right here an' I told her t' watch tv some while I went upstairs with what's his face. I
told her to cover her ears if she heard something like screamin an' that it was okay. I swear
Lina. I ain't think she was gonna go out the front door or somethin. You gotta find her Lina.
If momma was here she'd kill me I swear. I'd be dead."

yeah... now she wants to worry. she wasn't worryin'
much when her ass was high up in the air. she
wasn't thinkin about her. but i don't know why i'm
surprised. Lo ain't never cared until it was too late.
an that's why i took over. i got tired of seein' ava get
hurt. an here we are again. an just as i think my
temper is startin' to leave the reason she wasn't
payin' no attention t' ava comes down the stairs
an' i lose it. punch that asshole right between the
eyes an watch him fall. watch the first bits of blood
fall from his nose while his eyes roll back an' Lo
falls t' the floor hollerin' bout his face.

dumb broad. i ain't stickin around. i'm gonna go look
fer my best friend an' i pray to whoever the fuck floats
around in the sky that she ain't in no kinda trouble.
first stop is the center, then the park, and then the
carnival an' she better be at one cause if she ain't i'm
gonna kill Lo. chop 'er tits off an' put 'em on the front lawn
as a warnin' to trespassers. lina don't play that shit.

arabelle's ache

its something about the lights and sounds that surround
a carnival that get me really excited. i want to ride every ride
and eat every little piece of shitty food that i can get my hands
on. i want to lick cotton candy and watch as it melts under the
heat of my tongue and my saliva. i like to watch the reactions
of local boys and carnies alike. watch them drool over my legs.
eyes widen at the sight of thighs. heart racing at the wealth of
hair that spills over one shoulder while i adjust my purse. i see
why jeth didn't want to tag along. heaven knows he would have
gotten into a lot of fights for his "little girl"... but i'm not little. quite
the contrary.

"Oh, Bella! What do you want to do?
I've been draggin' you round like a rag
doll!"

a devilish smile plays across my lips as i steal one last look at
my admirers. i move the two of us off towards the carousel music.
my arm snakes through one of hers and i smile. she's been my
best friend since jeth first took me to this place. an adorable little
something with eyes that make you melt the second you even
predict a fit of tears. shes an angel and i'm the devil and boy!
do we get along well. she makes me feel like i'm not all that bad.
with all the partying, late nights, dirty dancing, tight clothing, and
boys... you'd think she was crazy to be seem with me. i sure as
hell ain't no saint.

"Let's go to the Ferris wheel. We can
see all of the carnival from there and
maybe we'll see Tom or somethin."

and just like i conjured him from thin air the man just shows right up.
my eyebrow raises in response to his approach. don't get me wrong.
i like him. i like him a lot but i don't like him for becka. hes nice and
all. he treats her real good but i don't see her with him in the future.
i'm too scared to think of this little star beside me allowing her personal
light to fade behind ironing boards, dirty diapers, and cooking dinner.
she may not have any brothers but she doesn't need any. she's got me
and she's got jeth and if this man so much as thinks about leaving her
alone with the baby i will chop his balls off, cook 'em up real good and
feed them to him. i'll make him throw it up and feed it to him again and
again until i feel like he's learned his lesson. then i'll chop off the rest of
him so he'll never be able to get her knocked up again...

the smile on my face is sweet and somewhat genuine but my eyes
tell the truth.

I'M WATCHING YOU, BOY! YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE OF THAT.


"Oh hello Thomas. You just caught us at a
good time. We were going to the Ferris Wheel
for a little spin and maybe to imagine what it'll
be like when we're queens of the world. You
coming?"

i don't stop for him at all and
i move becka with me. sure,
sure i'll give them alone time
but until i find something to
distract me, tom can be the
third wheel. i'm not mean or
selfish or anything......

can you tell i'm lyin?

lucky for old tommy boy over here, i have my mind
set on finding myself a fourth wheel to add to our
little group that i love playing games with. but before
i go on and leave them, i turn to tom with my hand
still holding becka's arm.

"Now I'm leaving. I can take a hint but she better have
fun. Don't be mean and don't win her no stuffed animal.
I'll see you two later and there better be one of those big
pink bears in her arms you hear me? Have fun, you two
love birds."

i leave with my cotton candy in hand.
lips smacking, hips swaying, shorts
riding up. i don't even look back until
i'm far enough that they won't even
notice me staring. they look wonderful
together and she looks so god damned
happy. i don't like him. i don't like him for
her not one bit. but if he can keep that smile
on her face and if he swears to be true
to her, i guess i'll just have to admit out loud
that he's okay. but for now i'm not too worried
about him. i'm worried about me and my lips
are aching for something to get into.

where the heart is;

where the heart is;




its the last straw. i'm done. i'm over. i just can't take it anymore. with this gun
in my hand i vow never to speak again. never to see the sun rise or set. never
to dream of tomorrow. never to enjoy today. i vow to sleep an endless sleep of
death, rebirth, and everything in between. i don't belong here. i never did. and
with this blade, i promise to help you erase all memories of me. with this blade
i call the shots. i call it quits. i need to get out! i've got to get out of here. away
from the bullshit that i've been fed all of my life. the work hours that always
seem to lead to me coming back to this apartment. alone. i just... i can't...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxGUN SHOTS!

rang down all 15 flights of stairs. sounding over the yelling in the apartment next
door, silencing the cat in heat outside the victims window. he had to do it. he had
to die alone without ever knowing the love of anyone besides his goldfish murry.
to everyone in the apartment on 50th and Collins, John T. Fitz was a john doe. a
nobody who like everyone else kept to himself for the most part. he was never
destined to do much of anything except to sit behind a desk and calculate the
chances of his clientele hitting it big on wall street. but the day he died, the smell
of blood and raw meat, mingled with the curiosity floating about in the air. it occurred
to most of the tenants that they didn't even know they names of the people standing
in their doorways, watching the paramedics carry a body bag down the stairs, that they
didn't even recognize any of the faces around them, above them, beside them. most of
them had been living there for years and still they couldn't recall ever speaking one word
to their neighbors. now that was an odd thing. John T. Fitz had died to begin a small sort
of revolution for the apartment building. he made it so that most of the tenants had some-
thing in common. they'd all experienced their first suicide and that alone sparked the fuse
that would soon develop quite a wonderful firework show of new found friendship, love, and
would definitely give new meaning to the term neighbor.

CAN I BORROW SOME SUGAR?

a moth to her flame

for as long as i can remember, i've had my hands held out in front of me. i knew i was waiting for something. anticipating the arrival or the impact of it. holding my breath at times when i felt close enough to feel the warmth of it against the tips of my fingers. but i hadn't known what it was until the day
i met vida.
our souls. electric. melding and mingling between us. calling to me from across the room. i'd stopped midsentence for her. eyes roaming over the writhing bodies in the club to find the cause of this strange feeling in my chest. i'd even stopped dancing. and that's when i saw her.
to say it was love at first sight would be a lie. it had been months since my last romantic encounter and even longer since i'd slept with a vampire but i craved it.
teeth penetrating skin. the feeling of being made completely vulnerable by another, having my life in their hands as we both approach our climax, finding the marks later on.
before i knew it, i'd crossed the club. moved her play thing aside and introduced myself. god i wanted her. i wanted her in the worst way and sitting beside her now, i still feel that need. the need to surrender my everything, to completely give myself to her but i can't just yet. my eyes meet hers and for a moment we share a knowing glance.
my smile mirrors hers but my eyes drop to my lap as my heart makes an uncomfortable lub dub.
there are still so many things left unsaid between us. arguments left unresolved, emotions unexplained, and layer after layer of secrets that separate us. i love her. god! do i love her. but...
georgie leaving catches my attention and vida quickly follows her. i'd almost forgotten why we were here.
tonight was the night.
my heart went out to georgianna but at the same time i envied her. she'd met her match in a quiet man with gentle bedroom eyes and strong, passionate hands. they were perfect for each other. the light to mine and vida's joint darkness. i loved watching them together. the intensity of them complimenting the intensity of us. we should be sharing engagement stories together. planning each other's weddings and bachelorette parties.complimenting each other on our dress choices and drooling over stationary for invitations. but my hands fingers lay barren and although i'm terribly happy for georgie, my heart still sinks for vida and i.
i haven't said much all night and perhaps this is why.
i look from monroe to where the girls have disappeared and back. usually i'd be chatting him up but i'm not really in the mood. i'm praying, as the girls approach, that the proposal will cheer me up. perhaps once i know that this man i've grown attached to will fully accept georgie, i think i'll relax and be able to joke around again.
the tension in the air is choking me and as georgie makes her move, i stand to meet vida halfway. they need their space for this and i'll seize this opportunity to cuddle with my angel. to pull her close without any prying eyes.
"come with me to look at stars for a bit, won't you? it's so beautiful tonight."
the moment we're alone i pull her close. with our height difference, even in heels i'm able to rest my head on her shoulders and lace my hands behind her waist.
she's so devastatingly beautiful. and i am like a moth to her flame.