is being a good guy seriously all that bad? am i destined to always finish last?
5:26 am.
my mother's home from another night of partying.
she's thirty four and she's still trying to make up
for the years she spent raising me. eyeliner and
shadow have mixed together to create an almost
perfect circle around her eyes and lipstick the color
of fresh plums flashes angrily around her mouth.
she wobbles towards the living couch and manages
to knock over yet another expensive vase as she tries
to make it to her bathroom.
our roles have switched.
i am no longer the child in need of nurturing and care.
i've become the parent. my eyes automatically open
as soon as the vase falls from the table and my brain
doesn't take long to react. i'm awake even though i've
only just fallen asleep. i've been an insomniac for
years now. sleep got lost somewhere in between
my childhood and my lack of immaturity. i want to
be sad. i want to grab her by the shoulders and
shake her. i want to scream in her face how
disappointed i am and how much i hate her
for never giving me a normal life. but she
throws up on herself and my head clears
again.
i take her to the bath.
10 am.
she was supposed to be sleeping but throwing up
has sobered her. she apologizes and makes me
burnt pancakes in the shape of three leaf clovers.
she claims their mickey mouse.
i'm not impressed.
10:30am.
shes crying in the bathroom about how much i must
hate her and despite the intense urge in my chest to
yell YES! YES I FUCKING DO YOU'RE RIGHT!, i hold
my tongue, i hold her close, and i rock her to sleep
like she was supposed to do to me when i was
young.
a few hours later i go to meet up with jovie.
coffee, cigarettes and some good one on
one time should have been nice but she's
late. i've smoked four, downed three and
i'm about to light my fifth. chain smoking
is bad for your health but i don't really care.
i haven't died yet.
and i'm about to give up hope and just walk to
the park and watch couples have things that i
don't have. a relationship. a love life. motivation.
but she appears looking apologetic and beautiful
as always. did i mention that i'm starting to think
i'm in love with my bestfriend? yeah. it's karma
kicking my ass yet again.
she apologizes for being late and i smile all the same.
i don't care anymore. it doesn't matter. she showed up.
man i'm pathetic.
and she changes the subject to rowan. the only person
in my life that i'm so sure i'll never stop loving. a little boy
who was never mine and never will be but i treat him the
same either way. he loves me and i love him. son or not
our bond is strong and YES! it started off because of my
affection towards his mother but its so much more than
that now.
"You should have brought him with you. I miss him too."
i order her usual as she takes a seat and i order
myself a slice of chocolate mousse cake. i'm
trying so hard not to stare at her but i always fail.
she's beautiful and like most things that i truly
want in life, she's unattainable but i'm a fool.
i want her still.
i try not to let the silence build before she notices.
- i'm thinking too hard.
"So... how uh, how are you today?"
no other words come to mind and i'm stuck at a loss.
our food comes and i quickly use that as a distraction.
chewing each bite of cake as slowly as possible. i have
to concentrate on the texture of it and the taste so i won't
have the urge to kiss her. but i'll admit... its hard.
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