arabelle's ache

its something about the lights and sounds that surround
a carnival that get me really excited. i want to ride every ride
and eat every little piece of shitty food that i can get my hands
on. i want to lick cotton candy and watch as it melts under the
heat of my tongue and my saliva. i like to watch the reactions
of local boys and carnies alike. watch them drool over my legs.
eyes widen at the sight of thighs. heart racing at the wealth of
hair that spills over one shoulder while i adjust my purse. i see
why jeth didn't want to tag along. heaven knows he would have
gotten into a lot of fights for his "little girl"... but i'm not little. quite
the contrary.

"Oh, Bella! What do you want to do?
I've been draggin' you round like a rag
doll!"

a devilish smile plays across my lips as i steal one last look at
my admirers. i move the two of us off towards the carousel music.
my arm snakes through one of hers and i smile. she's been my
best friend since jeth first took me to this place. an adorable little
something with eyes that make you melt the second you even
predict a fit of tears. shes an angel and i'm the devil and boy!
do we get along well. she makes me feel like i'm not all that bad.
with all the partying, late nights, dirty dancing, tight clothing, and
boys... you'd think she was crazy to be seem with me. i sure as
hell ain't no saint.

"Let's go to the Ferris wheel. We can
see all of the carnival from there and
maybe we'll see Tom or somethin."

and just like i conjured him from thin air the man just shows right up.
my eyebrow raises in response to his approach. don't get me wrong.
i like him. i like him a lot but i don't like him for becka. hes nice and
all. he treats her real good but i don't see her with him in the future.
i'm too scared to think of this little star beside me allowing her personal
light to fade behind ironing boards, dirty diapers, and cooking dinner.
she may not have any brothers but she doesn't need any. she's got me
and she's got jeth and if this man so much as thinks about leaving her
alone with the baby i will chop his balls off, cook 'em up real good and
feed them to him. i'll make him throw it up and feed it to him again and
again until i feel like he's learned his lesson. then i'll chop off the rest of
him so he'll never be able to get her knocked up again...

the smile on my face is sweet and somewhat genuine but my eyes
tell the truth.

I'M WATCHING YOU, BOY! YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE OF THAT.


"Oh hello Thomas. You just caught us at a
good time. We were going to the Ferris Wheel
for a little spin and maybe to imagine what it'll
be like when we're queens of the world. You
coming?"

i don't stop for him at all and
i move becka with me. sure,
sure i'll give them alone time
but until i find something to
distract me, tom can be the
third wheel. i'm not mean or
selfish or anything......

can you tell i'm lyin?

lucky for old tommy boy over here, i have my mind
set on finding myself a fourth wheel to add to our
little group that i love playing games with. but before
i go on and leave them, i turn to tom with my hand
still holding becka's arm.

"Now I'm leaving. I can take a hint but she better have
fun. Don't be mean and don't win her no stuffed animal.
I'll see you two later and there better be one of those big
pink bears in her arms you hear me? Have fun, you two
love birds."

i leave with my cotton candy in hand.
lips smacking, hips swaying, shorts
riding up. i don't even look back until
i'm far enough that they won't even
notice me staring. they look wonderful
together and she looks so god damned
happy. i don't like him. i don't like him for
her not one bit. but if he can keep that smile
on her face and if he swears to be true
to her, i guess i'll just have to admit out loud
that he's okay. but for now i'm not too worried
about him. i'm worried about me and my lips
are aching for something to get into.