spooning

the past two days have been pure hell.
swollen eyes. claws scratching against
the walls of my uterus. food coming up
as soon as it goes down. i feel weak.
my head keeps spinning. my teeth grind
against each other. hands clutch at nothing.
just reaching for anything to help me. i feel
useless. a prisoner in this shell that i call
a body. i feel so vulnerable. so... so scared.

i move to sit up but a sharp pain stops me.
i want to drink water but my throat is too
sore from all the throwing up. this is so
pathetic. i'm pathetic...


hands no bigger then my own gently pull me closer.
arms will me to sleep with a slow and steady movement.
breath against the back of my neck feels cold yet comforting.
that familiar smell fills my lungs. brings me back to earth.
makes me remember that i wasn't alone. she was always
with me. keeping me safe from other people and making
sure that i was safe from my self. she held my hair when i
threw up washed me in the showers upstairs. clothed me.
helped me sleep.


my savior. my guardian angel. my bestfriend. my one true love...

a fragile creature

lo said she was gonna spend the whole day with me
an i got all dressed up real nice like. i put on my favorite
dress an' lina curled my hair real pretty an' an' i sat on
the couch smilin' crazier than somuh the cartoons on
tv an' i waited. lina didn't like it though. she told me to
call her if i got scared or summ'n cause lo likes tuh
bring me 'round bad men an' lina knows what happened.

lina knows what happened when mama left me alone
with her friend and when loli left me with her friend. i
don't want that again. i don't like that feelin' an' i was
scared but i stayed. i waited for her righ' there. right
on the couch cause she said she was gonna take me
out an i was just gonna watch tv until she got ready.

the bell rings.
i can see its a
man through the
window an' i don't
wanna open it so i
just stand real close
tuh the door an' i wait.

he'll go away if ain't nobody to answer the door.
he can't see me. he don't know i'm there an' lo's
up stairs. she ain't gonna answer it neither but he
keeps ringin the bell. an ringing the bell an ringin..

an here comes lo. tshirt an panties an the door
opens an he comes inside an they go up stairs.

i wait. wait for lina tuh come home. wait for lo
tuh tell that man to leave. wait for somethin'
tuh save me. an they start makin noise upstairs
an i cover my ears cause that's what lina told
me tuh do an i wait some more. they didn't even
close the door. lo didn't even care that i was there
an' she didn't want to take me out no more cause
she got new company an i just left. i walked down
the street 'til my feet hurt an my face got all wet
from cryin. but there was music an i just walked
towards it an there was the carnival. bright lights
an' people smilin an rides an animals. lo didn't take
me out but i was gonna take myself out an' have my
own fun.

elephant ears. cotton candy. pony rides. corn dogs.
cheesy fries. corn. turkey legs. clowns. face painters.

i got mah face painted right away! i love rabbits an
she painted me up just like one. even gave me the
ears an' lina gave me money fer tuhday an i paid
the lady for it an' she smiled real nice an told me
no. people at the carnival are real nice, you know.

she made me feel real happy cause lolita didn't
take me out tuhday but i got my face painted up
real nice for free! an then a clown gave me paper
flowers an he said i looked real nice an then i saw
the games. last year, lina took me here an she won
me a reeeeally big bunny. an i named her minnie an
i wanna win one his time for mahself. so i get all
excited an run over but i dint watch where i was goin
an i ran right into these two boys an we fell.

i cut my knee on somethin. my arm hurts an i think i was
layin on one uh them. he was way smaller than the other one
an i was real sorry but i couldn't say nothin. my mouth wasn't
workin. cause i was scared. they might make funna me an
some people were already laughin. so i stood up an i looked
down at mah shoes an i just waited til they got up.

"I'm real sorry. I didn't mean to."

mah knee was hurtin. my heart was hurtin
an' i just looked at the ground cause i didn't
wanna see their faces in case they got mad
an there was a lady with them an i seen her
around an i didn't wanna sound stupid so i just
said 'i'm sorry' and 'excuse me' cause that's what's
right tuh do. i know i got dirt on mah face or sumthin
and i know i got to do somethin tuh make up for it.

mah cotton candy is still in my bag an' i hold it out
to the lady. smiling cause i know she won't be mad
if i smile some.

"Here, I'll give you mah cotton
candy cause that's how sorry I am."

i've seen them around at the park and near the lake sometimes.
but we ain't friends or nothin. i remember the ladies eyes. they're
bluer than the sky i think. or maybe just the same kind. an shes
real pretty an the boy i fell on must be her boy cause hes got the
same eyes.

i needa watch where i'm goin.

ava's worry

i've only been scared two times in my entire life. the first time was when i thought i was gonna be a momma and the second was right now.
i pulled up to the house we're rentin' out and the first thang i notice is the fact that the front door is open. now normally i ain't one t' be paranoid er nothin' but when you got a mentally challenged girl in the house you don' jus' think its all good an dandy. you run your ass on in and you locate 'er first before you check anywhere else in the house. there's shit everywhere. couch pillows on the floor, empty beer bottles, cigarette buds, dirty plates. nah i know this ain't her work 'cause she knows i like myself a clean house but i keep goin.

SHE AIN'T IN THE KITCHEN. AIN'T IN THE LIVIN' ROOM. AIN'T ON THE BACK PORCH.
THE BATHROOM. THE PATEO. THE CLOSET. THE ATTIC. THE BASEMENT. THE GAREN
OUT BACK.

i'm tellin you. she ain't no where t' be seen and that's when i start to panic.
my hearts starts racing, skins gettin' cold, and i swear i'm breakin' out into
a sweat. heads in my hands and i keep tryna think o' somethin. she ain't
one t' leave when someone's home an' i know someones home i told....

there's a knockin up stairs. gigglin. some more knockin.
the bloods boilin in mah veins and i swear i'm seeing red.
flyin up the stairs like i got rockets under mah heels. i'm
gon' kill this girl. i'm gon' kill 'er, i' gon' kill 'er, i'm gon kill 'er.
an ima shoot the bastard that's up stairs. she was 'spose t'
be watchin Ava an she knows damn well that the girl gets
bored... i shoulda taken her t' work with me. i coulda had
her fold towels and made her one uh them pink pops
she likes so much. i can see 'er walkin down the street
in mah head. cars drivin past an she just gets in with
anyone cause she don't know no better. i mean she
ain't stupid but sawyer ain't big an if she seen them
at the bar she ain't gone think nothin of it.

this girl better pray for a miracle cause i'm gonna
whoop her ass so bad her god damn momma's
gonna feel it in 'er grave!

"Lo! LOOOOOOO! you skanky ass little girl.
Open this door before I kick it down an' I
mean it I will."

i can hear her shushin somebody. gigglin and moanin.
how the fuck could she do that? how could she do that
to her own flesh an blood? i'm gonna kill 'er. i swear ain't
nobody gonna stop me from chokin this little bitch. god himself
ain't gonna be able to pry my hands from 'round her skinny little
neck.

"I ain't gon' ask agin, Lolita. I'm only gonna
count t' four an' if this shit ain't open i swear!"

ONE. smoke should be comin outta mah nose an' ears by now.
TWO. my eyes are burnin' i can feel me tearin' up. an i hate cryin. i jus wanna kick somethin'.
THREE. my shoulders heevin' up 'n down an' i know she ain't gonna open it.
FOUR. fists clenched so tight i can feel the blood beneath y skin close t' comin' out.

i ain't countin t' five the stupid bitch.
ain't gotta do much. one swift kick
blew the door open an' i came in
ready fer murder.

"Stay."

the dumbass she's been fuckin prolly all afternoon ain't movin.
i know he can see the devil floatin up just beneath the surface
of mah skin an' i know she can see it too. i ain't thinkin none.
draggin her off the bed by her arm while she protests. askin'
me who i think i am. tellin me i ain't her momma. shes damn
right too. the whoppin i got in mah head ain't nothin her momma
even thought up. i pull 'er to the stairs where you can see the
damn couch.

"What do yuh see, Lolita? What the fuck o you see?"

"Nothin, Lee. Now let go uh mah arm. You're hurtin me.
Actin' all crazy in fronna mah guest."

"That's right girl. Ain't nothin on the couch.
Ain't no one in the kitchen or in the back
yard an' ain't no one anywhere else in
here."

she's lookin at me all crazy an' i ain't lettin go of her arm none.
i wan' her t' see what she done gone an' did an' it don't take her
long. shakin herself free she runs down the stairs an' i watch her
goin' everywhere like a chicken without a head. stupid ass girl.
she keeps callin out her name an lookin everywhere but i don't
got no time for that. i hit the bottom of the stairs an' here she comes
t' ask me a dumbass question.

"I let her right here an' I told her t' watch tv some while I went upstairs with what's his face. I
told her to cover her ears if she heard something like screamin an' that it was okay. I swear
Lina. I ain't think she was gonna go out the front door or somethin. You gotta find her Lina.
If momma was here she'd kill me I swear. I'd be dead."

yeah... now she wants to worry. she wasn't worryin'
much when her ass was high up in the air. she
wasn't thinkin about her. but i don't know why i'm
surprised. Lo ain't never cared until it was too late.
an that's why i took over. i got tired of seein' ava get
hurt. an here we are again. an just as i think my
temper is startin' to leave the reason she wasn't
payin' no attention t' ava comes down the stairs
an' i lose it. punch that asshole right between the
eyes an watch him fall. watch the first bits of blood
fall from his nose while his eyes roll back an' Lo
falls t' the floor hollerin' bout his face.

dumb broad. i ain't stickin around. i'm gonna go look
fer my best friend an' i pray to whoever the fuck floats
around in the sky that she ain't in no kinda trouble.
first stop is the center, then the park, and then the
carnival an' she better be at one cause if she ain't i'm
gonna kill Lo. chop 'er tits off an' put 'em on the front lawn
as a warnin' to trespassers. lina don't play that shit.

arabelle's ache

its something about the lights and sounds that surround
a carnival that get me really excited. i want to ride every ride
and eat every little piece of shitty food that i can get my hands
on. i want to lick cotton candy and watch as it melts under the
heat of my tongue and my saliva. i like to watch the reactions
of local boys and carnies alike. watch them drool over my legs.
eyes widen at the sight of thighs. heart racing at the wealth of
hair that spills over one shoulder while i adjust my purse. i see
why jeth didn't want to tag along. heaven knows he would have
gotten into a lot of fights for his "little girl"... but i'm not little. quite
the contrary.

"Oh, Bella! What do you want to do?
I've been draggin' you round like a rag
doll!"

a devilish smile plays across my lips as i steal one last look at
my admirers. i move the two of us off towards the carousel music.
my arm snakes through one of hers and i smile. she's been my
best friend since jeth first took me to this place. an adorable little
something with eyes that make you melt the second you even
predict a fit of tears. shes an angel and i'm the devil and boy!
do we get along well. she makes me feel like i'm not all that bad.
with all the partying, late nights, dirty dancing, tight clothing, and
boys... you'd think she was crazy to be seem with me. i sure as
hell ain't no saint.

"Let's go to the Ferris wheel. We can
see all of the carnival from there and
maybe we'll see Tom or somethin."

and just like i conjured him from thin air the man just shows right up.
my eyebrow raises in response to his approach. don't get me wrong.
i like him. i like him a lot but i don't like him for becka. hes nice and
all. he treats her real good but i don't see her with him in the future.
i'm too scared to think of this little star beside me allowing her personal
light to fade behind ironing boards, dirty diapers, and cooking dinner.
she may not have any brothers but she doesn't need any. she's got me
and she's got jeth and if this man so much as thinks about leaving her
alone with the baby i will chop his balls off, cook 'em up real good and
feed them to him. i'll make him throw it up and feed it to him again and
again until i feel like he's learned his lesson. then i'll chop off the rest of
him so he'll never be able to get her knocked up again...

the smile on my face is sweet and somewhat genuine but my eyes
tell the truth.

I'M WATCHING YOU, BOY! YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE OF THAT.


"Oh hello Thomas. You just caught us at a
good time. We were going to the Ferris Wheel
for a little spin and maybe to imagine what it'll
be like when we're queens of the world. You
coming?"

i don't stop for him at all and
i move becka with me. sure,
sure i'll give them alone time
but until i find something to
distract me, tom can be the
third wheel. i'm not mean or
selfish or anything......

can you tell i'm lyin?

lucky for old tommy boy over here, i have my mind
set on finding myself a fourth wheel to add to our
little group that i love playing games with. but before
i go on and leave them, i turn to tom with my hand
still holding becka's arm.

"Now I'm leaving. I can take a hint but she better have
fun. Don't be mean and don't win her no stuffed animal.
I'll see you two later and there better be one of those big
pink bears in her arms you hear me? Have fun, you two
love birds."

i leave with my cotton candy in hand.
lips smacking, hips swaying, shorts
riding up. i don't even look back until
i'm far enough that they won't even
notice me staring. they look wonderful
together and she looks so god damned
happy. i don't like him. i don't like him for
her not one bit. but if he can keep that smile
on her face and if he swears to be true
to her, i guess i'll just have to admit out loud
that he's okay. but for now i'm not too worried
about him. i'm worried about me and my lips
are aching for something to get into.

where the heart is;

where the heart is;




its the last straw. i'm done. i'm over. i just can't take it anymore. with this gun
in my hand i vow never to speak again. never to see the sun rise or set. never
to dream of tomorrow. never to enjoy today. i vow to sleep an endless sleep of
death, rebirth, and everything in between. i don't belong here. i never did. and
with this blade, i promise to help you erase all memories of me. with this blade
i call the shots. i call it quits. i need to get out! i've got to get out of here. away
from the bullshit that i've been fed all of my life. the work hours that always
seem to lead to me coming back to this apartment. alone. i just... i can't...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxGUN SHOTS!

rang down all 15 flights of stairs. sounding over the yelling in the apartment next
door, silencing the cat in heat outside the victims window. he had to do it. he had
to die alone without ever knowing the love of anyone besides his goldfish murry.
to everyone in the apartment on 50th and Collins, John T. Fitz was a john doe. a
nobody who like everyone else kept to himself for the most part. he was never
destined to do much of anything except to sit behind a desk and calculate the
chances of his clientele hitting it big on wall street. but the day he died, the smell
of blood and raw meat, mingled with the curiosity floating about in the air. it occurred
to most of the tenants that they didn't even know they names of the people standing
in their doorways, watching the paramedics carry a body bag down the stairs, that they
didn't even recognize any of the faces around them, above them, beside them. most of
them had been living there for years and still they couldn't recall ever speaking one word
to their neighbors. now that was an odd thing. John T. Fitz had died to begin a small sort
of revolution for the apartment building. he made it so that most of the tenants had some-
thing in common. they'd all experienced their first suicide and that alone sparked the fuse
that would soon develop quite a wonderful firework show of new found friendship, love, and
would definitely give new meaning to the term neighbor.

CAN I BORROW SOME SUGAR?

a moth to her flame

for as long as i can remember, i've had my hands held out in front of me. i knew i was waiting for something. anticipating the arrival or the impact of it. holding my breath at times when i felt close enough to feel the warmth of it against the tips of my fingers. but i hadn't known what it was until the day
i met vida.
our souls. electric. melding and mingling between us. calling to me from across the room. i'd stopped midsentence for her. eyes roaming over the writhing bodies in the club to find the cause of this strange feeling in my chest. i'd even stopped dancing. and that's when i saw her.
to say it was love at first sight would be a lie. it had been months since my last romantic encounter and even longer since i'd slept with a vampire but i craved it.
teeth penetrating skin. the feeling of being made completely vulnerable by another, having my life in their hands as we both approach our climax, finding the marks later on.
before i knew it, i'd crossed the club. moved her play thing aside and introduced myself. god i wanted her. i wanted her in the worst way and sitting beside her now, i still feel that need. the need to surrender my everything, to completely give myself to her but i can't just yet. my eyes meet hers and for a moment we share a knowing glance.
my smile mirrors hers but my eyes drop to my lap as my heart makes an uncomfortable lub dub.
there are still so many things left unsaid between us. arguments left unresolved, emotions unexplained, and layer after layer of secrets that separate us. i love her. god! do i love her. but...
georgie leaving catches my attention and vida quickly follows her. i'd almost forgotten why we were here.
tonight was the night.
my heart went out to georgianna but at the same time i envied her. she'd met her match in a quiet man with gentle bedroom eyes and strong, passionate hands. they were perfect for each other. the light to mine and vida's joint darkness. i loved watching them together. the intensity of them complimenting the intensity of us. we should be sharing engagement stories together. planning each other's weddings and bachelorette parties.complimenting each other on our dress choices and drooling over stationary for invitations. but my hands fingers lay barren and although i'm terribly happy for georgie, my heart still sinks for vida and i.
i haven't said much all night and perhaps this is why.
i look from monroe to where the girls have disappeared and back. usually i'd be chatting him up but i'm not really in the mood. i'm praying, as the girls approach, that the proposal will cheer me up. perhaps once i know that this man i've grown attached to will fully accept georgie, i think i'll relax and be able to joke around again.
the tension in the air is choking me and as georgie makes her move, i stand to meet vida halfway. they need their space for this and i'll seize this opportunity to cuddle with my angel. to pull her close without any prying eyes.
"come with me to look at stars for a bit, won't you? it's so beautiful tonight."
the moment we're alone i pull her close. with our height difference, even in heels i'm able to rest my head on her shoulders and lace my hands behind her waist.
she's so devastatingly beautiful. and i am like a moth to her flame.

her monroe

tongue twisting, mind numbing, palm
moistening, stomach churning, temperature
rising, heart racing, fleeting glances, shifty
feet, summer's heat....

love.
love.
love.

so many use this word in vain. i'd spent my entire life searching for it.
and since the days of my childhood i'd been afraid to even breathe it
for fear of being burned by it's embrace. of being tossed aside like
yesterdays trash the second i opened my heart to another. but here i
was. knocking on the door of all that i'd been hiding from since i was
turned. engaged for the second time in all my life and i thought i'd given
up on such childish things. living happily ever after never will go quite
well with those who eat the life force of another as a means of survival.
sitting on beside him with my nails gently running up and down his
palm and my fingers playing along his wrist i want more than anything
in the world for that happily ever after.

i want to be able to love him without holding back.
i want to be able to taste him every so often.
i want him to taste me in more than just one way.
i want him to know what its like to feel my own
personal fire dance along his skin.
i want him to be able to feel me coming towards
him long before i've even entered the room.

its not enough to be able to enter into his dreams whenever i please and its
too dangerous for me to have him around my real home unless he knows. i
need him to trust me more than he already does and i need him to really and
truly accept me for who i am as a whole and not just who i've allowed him to
see for the past two years. see, i knew i'd love him from the first time i held
his hand in my own. his skin is so soft and inviting. blood so alive and warm.
his strength was quiet. he held me as if he was afraid i would break and for
the first time in all my years of afterlife, i felt like a feather.

a feather.
floating along on his gentle breeze.
carried away on the small breaths we share between passionate kisses.
dipping and diving along with the strong beat of his heart.

my hand grasps his. holding tightly as if i might not be able to do this again.
the diamond shines brightly even at this time of night. a beautiful reminder of
what needs to be said before we dock but its still early. dinner is served.

"Do you like it? I asked Samuelle to cook this especially for tonight."

everything was sweet. just like my monroe.
my lips curve into a small smile the second
our eyes meet. this. this is what i love about
him.


every touch
every glance
every kiss
every smile
every breath

feels new when we're together.

i have to clear my throat between taking small bites
of the meal before i can pull my eyes away from him.
i excuse myself. nodding towards the girls and smooth
my dress out around me. there's a moment before i head
for the bathroom where i stop at the edge of the hallway
and stare. i did all of this for him. for him to see how much
he means to me. i'm wearing his favorite perfume, my hairs
in an artfully messy bun, and i made the chef serve everything
we ate on our first real dinner date. i'll cry for days if he doesn't
accept me. i'll never eat and i'll allow myself to fade without him.


without him.
there is no such option.
and as i go into the bathroom,
and stand after getting rid of
the human food, i stare deep
into the eyes of the person in
the mirror. i'm scared. terrified.
i just know he'll be afraid and
that he'll never want to see me
again like every love before him.

my legs feel heavy when i move back to the table.
my head rests lightly on his shoulder. desserts
here. but i never eat dessert. instead i put on a
happy face and continue to play hostess.

"Before you all dig into your Napoleons. I propose a toast.
A toast to love and forever afters and acceptance. I wish
all of you the best in life and to you, my love. I couldn't have
wished for a better husband. On all the stars in the sky, I
pray that I'll be with you for as long as possible. Forever,
infinity, and far beyond that. Ti amo, caro mio, Ti amo."

the kiss that follows isn't as long as i'd like it but
i don't want to cry before we've even started settling
down. there are still songs to be danced to. gifts to
be shared and drinks to be drunk. my lips leave his
and i turn to my favorite girls prepared for anything
really. i know they know i'm still scared but i'll be
damned if monroe can tell.

"Come one then! Lets eat up. I wanna dance already!"

rafaela

 i've never been much for settling down and giving in and pouting.
my mother taught me that life doesn't wait for anyone. you have
to grab it by the balls and bend it to your will. you don't ask for
what you want, you take it. if you're bored, you create your own
drama and live out your own fantasies. you can be whomever
the fuck you want to be. the possibilities are endless.

and thanks to my bloodline, so is my cash flow.

being rich, people expect you to be polite and proper.
they expect you to say please and thank you and to
donate to poor starving children in other "less fortunate"
countries. but i'm definitely the opposite of that. i was raised
on bad behavior and from the moment i came out of my mothers
filthy vagina screaming, i didn't say hello world. it was more like:

"Fuck you and the rest! where the hell is my fresh tit? Bitches be hungry."

my chubby little middle finger was raised high in the air and
they ate it all right up like they were cats and i the cream. even
when i was four years old i was bossing bitches around. i never
had that princess mentality. in my head i was always a queen.
i ruled the sandlot and in high school i ruled the hall ways with an
iron fist. stupid little girls tried to take my throne but i quickly shut
them down. i have no shame and i fight like a man. so very often,
nearly every other day in fact, bitches always walked away from me
in tears.

i don't cut anyone a break.
unless you're paulina.

i hate her. i hate her so fucking much that every time i see her
i just want to grab her by the neck, strangle her, slap her around,
and show her who the fuck is boss!
i guess that's why our sex is so mind numbingly good.
i get to do whatever i want to her whether we're alone
or adrians there watching, participating. and in exchange
for that, i let her hang all over her in public until i'm tired of
it.

i don't want her touching him.
i don't want her kissing him.
i don't want her fondling him,
smiling at him, being in the
same area as him and the
same goes for adrian with
her. i want them separately.
i always want them separately
but they insist upon sharing
and it kills me to say this.
my head hurts thinking about it.

but i love them. i love them both in
the weirdest fucking way possible
but i do. yeah, rafaela has a heart...

unfortunately.


"As long as there's alcohol,
I don't care who's party it is."

i stand because neither of them will move
until someone else takes the initiative and
i want to get wasted for free. my bottom lip
still stings from the night before and i almost
got myself another black eye. but where there's
free liquor, revenge quickly follows. amelie, the
stupid cunt who did this to my face, won't be far
behind.

and hours later, we show up on the beach.
paulina squeezed herself between me and
adrian so she can hold both of our hands
and it annoys the shit out of me but i let her
do it anyways. it was stupid of me to wear heels
to a beach but at leats i'll have something to
hit amelie with when i spot her ass... we stop
near a girl and my eyes narrow. she's scrawny
and young looking. pretty but probably dumb.
great, just fucking great.. adrian's new piece
of ass is barely legal and i'm not even attracted
to her. just great...

"Wow! What a great party...
Are you happy now? We came we saw
and it was shitty... can we leave? 'Cause
I'm over this already."

that earns me an elbow to the ribs from
paulina. i think i said it loud enough for
everyone to take me seriously. there
aren't even alot of people here. it's
pathetic. even if we are early i don't
give a fuck.

"We're gonna have a good time.
We just need a little music, some
more booze, and a few more people.
Right, Adrian?"

beaming... the little bitch is beaming
and being all cuter than thou for these
idiots and their preschool party. she's
lucky she actually is cute. or else i might
have gone off on her too. she's always
gotta save the fucking day... always.

i need a drink. and if i'm gonna enjoy
tonight, i need some strong rum, amelie's
face colliding with my fist, and paulina's
romper to ride up a little higher so i can
see more of that ass.

i sit on a vacant rock with my miumiu heels
in hand and wait for shit to happen. and if
anyone's gonna save this "party" it'll be
pauly. she's already throwing a bottle
of some random vodka my way and
taking a swig from another. she may
be annoying and stupid and tiring
but the girl knows how to party.

louie

what is so wrong with me that negative energy just hones in on my location?
is being a good guy seriously all that bad? am i destined to always finish last?

5:26 am.

my mother's home from another night of partying.
she's thirty four and she's still trying to make up
for the years she spent raising me. eyeliner and
shadow have mixed together to create an almost
perfect circle around her eyes and lipstick the color
of fresh plums flashes angrily around her mouth.
she wobbles towards the living couch and manages
to knock over yet another expensive vase as she tries
to make it to her bathroom.

our roles have switched.

i am no longer the child in need of nurturing and care.
i've become the parent. my eyes automatically open
as soon as the vase falls from the table and my brain
doesn't take long to react. i'm awake even though i've
only just fallen asleep. i've been an insomniac for
years now. sleep got lost somewhere in between
my childhood and my lack of immaturity. i want to
be sad. i want to grab her by the shoulders and
shake her. i want to scream in her face how
disappointed i am and how much i hate her
for never giving me a normal life. but she
throws up on herself and my head clears
again.

i take her to the bath.

10 am.

she was supposed to be sleeping but throwing up
has sobered her. she apologizes and makes me
burnt pancakes in the shape of three leaf clovers.
she claims their mickey mouse.

i'm not impressed.

10:30am.

shes crying in the bathroom about how much i must
hate her and despite the intense urge in my chest to
yell YES! YES I FUCKING DO YOU'RE RIGHT!, i hold
my tongue, i hold her close, and i rock her to sleep
like she was supposed to do to me when i was
young.

a few hours later i go to meet up with jovie.
coffee, cigarettes and some good one on
one time should have been nice but she's
late. i've smoked four, downed three and
i'm about to light my fifth. chain smoking
is bad for your health but i don't really care.

i haven't died yet.

and i'm about to give up hope and just walk to
the park and watch couples have things that i
don't have. a relationship. a love life. motivation.
but she appears looking apologetic and beautiful
as always. did i mention that i'm starting to think
i'm in love with my bestfriend? yeah. it's karma
kicking my ass yet again.

she apologizes for being late and i smile all the same.
i don't care anymore. it doesn't matter. she showed up.

man i'm pathetic.

and she changes the subject to rowan. the only person
in my life that i'm so sure i'll never stop loving. a little boy
who was never mine and never will be but i treat him the
same either way. he loves me and i love him. son or not
our bond is strong and YES! it started off because of my
affection towards his mother but its so much more than
that now.

"You should have brought him with you. I miss him too."

i order her usual as she takes a seat and i order
myself a slice of chocolate mousse cake. i'm
trying so hard not to stare at her but i always fail.
she's beautiful and like most things that i truly
want in life, she's unattainable but i'm a fool.
i want her still.

i try not to let the silence build before she notices.

i'm thinking too hard.


"So... how uh, how are you today?"

no other words come to mind and i'm stuck at a loss.
our food comes and i quickly use that as a distraction.
chewing each bite of cake as slowly as possible. i have
to concentrate on the texture of it and the taste so i won't
have the urge to kiss her. but i'll admit... its hard.

close to you

why do stars fall down from the sky
every time you walk by?
just like me, they long to be
close to you.

adrian. the loveliest boy i know. one of few people who
understand me. he is an angel among men. and when
we're together, i'm an angel too.

on the day that you were born
the angels got together
and decided to create a dream come true.

my legs are wrapped around his waist. bare and gently
bronzed from the week before. a beach photoshoot. my
bikini was missing but a long scarf played along my curves
in its place. today we were supposed to be planning for
another shoot and i felt lonely. my body ached to be held.
and my lips craved to be kissed and my eyes longed to stare
deeply into another's. but i was content. here. my legs wrapped
around adrian's waist and my head resting on his shoulder
while i pouted and he tried to drink coffee around my petite frame.

so they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold

and starlight in your eyes of blue.

we'd been stuck like this for an hour now and if we didn't think
of something quickly my body would cloud over my mind. i'm
a very social creature, i need social interaction. i need to be
told how beautiful i am and i need to be loved and to give love
or else i turn into this angry little wench and i throw tantrums
and people get annoyed and then i get sad and i cry and i
feel ugly and stupid. and the cycle begins again.

vibration.
hips wiggling.
hands grope for
the thing responsible
for this feeling.

a phone. adrians. a message.

a girllll! a little vixen with cute text. shy words and a soft voice.
she's nothing like me or rafa sitting across from us. i can
already tell.

my eyes widen as a small smile plays along my lips.
a girl for adrian? he hasn't told me anything but then
again he's right to keep her a secret. i like to pry and
that's exactly what i'm doing in this moment. my fingers
lace behind the back of his neck and i can feel rafaela
glaring at me from the other side of the table. i don't care.
adrian calls me his princess, his petit bébé, his soleil,
and rafaela may be able to walk all over him but i still
have the upper hand.

"Adri-ann! Are you trying to cheat on me and Rafa? Mm?
Don't like making love to me anymore? Am I boring you?"

lightly tinted lips pout pink towards his beautiful face.
its obvious that i'm feigning sadness but a small
pang of insecurity dances in my tummy. i don't want
anyone to take adrian away from me because i'm
selfish and yet i want him to find someone to set
his heart ablaze. i want him to make love like he
used to. and despite being slightly jealous of this
anonymous woman, i read the message outloud.

"Ooo! A party, I love parties! We will go, yes?
I want to meet this girl you hide from me. She
better not be prettier than me or else I will have
to have her first. Come, We get dressed and then
we go. "

and before i move completely from his lap i study
his face. if this is a girl he likes then i will step away
but that doesn't mean that i can't have fun first. maybe
one or two more times. you don't get rid of good lovers
so easily. and adrian is one of my favorites.

"We can all shower at my place. The bath is big enough."

i wink. a shower will only be the start of a good night.
i know that if adrian is going then blake will be there
too and with the potential loss of my favorite boy i
might gain another. and as the summer sun shines
on, i have high hopes.

that is why all the girls in town
follow you all around.
just like me, they long to be
close to you.

the funeral

pacing. that's what i was doing.
pacing and twirling one thick
strand of chocolate brown hair
around my thin fingers. i've never
been married and i wasn't truly old
enough to remember my birth father's
death but this is brutal. i can't see my
momma like this. it breaks my heart
and i know she's probably cryin' but
my feet won't move and my hands
won't budge. i can't be her rock.

hell, i can't even be my own rock.
theo keeps sitting by the front door.
hes waiting for me to open the door.
i know he wants to lay at moms feet.
comfort her like hes been doing with
me for the past few days.

"Good boy. Just give me a few more minutes."

i need them.
i need those tiny little minutes.
to rebuild my composure.
to rub away the salty tears
that have my eyes burning
red. red. like the tie dad wore
to his grave. like the roses that
encircled his goodbye wreath.
like the collar around theos neck
while he gets restless.

"Don't look at me like that."

i can tell what hes thinking. he's thinking about how much of a coward i am.
hes angry at the fact that i'm afraid to face my mothers tear drenched face
because i know the second my eyes lock onto her current state i'll want to
lay in her lap and cry myself to sleep. i miss him. but more importantly she
misses him. she misses the reassuring touches he'd often give whenever she
needed them most. but hes not here to give them now.

i am.

chest heaving up and down.
hands swiping at my eyes.
legs reluctantly moving towards the door.
and my hand reaches out to turn the knob.
tears already threatened to flow as soon as
i opened the door and stepped in. i didn't
even acknowledge anyone as i entered the
house. my gaze followed theo as he
manuevered through a sea of familiar legs
in order to find that one. and he does.

bathrobe wrapped tightly around her like a safety
blanket. eyes downcast. hair a mess. i've never
seen her like this before. i've never seen my
mother so distraught, so broken, so...

something clicks in my chest.
a fire burning deep down in my heart
so intense that it almost hurts. i say
nothing as i approach. my arms engulf
her shorter frame gently as if moving too
fast might cause her to break. its my
turn to nurture now. that damn man.
the smell of him on the robe is thick
and welcoming. i should be crying
for his absence but my tears are angry.
if i could i'd grow wings. fly to the heavens
and beat the shit out of him for doing this
to her. for leaving my mother. for leaving me.
for leaving all of us in a time when we needed
him most. how dare he?! how dare he leave
us all to reconfigure our lives? how dare he
break so many hearts?

i hold her tighter now. my hands move to wipe away
the stray tears that seem endless as they fall from
her eyes. and the anger inside me helps me to be
strong. it motivates me. drives me to do whatever
i need to do in order for her be okay.

theo lays his big furry head onto her lap as if he means
to say that he's willing to do anything to help as well
and together we silently vow to lift every weight from
my mothers shoulders until she's ready to be on her
own again. its time for the roles to switch.

and although i'm sure that i'm not ready to take on that kind of responsibility,
i'd do anything for my mother as shes always done for me.

"It'll be okay momma. It'll be okay."
my lips press against her temple
and i smile despite the tears stinging
my eyes. i know we can do this.

but if i could. i'd resurrect him so i wouldn't have to see the look of pain in her eyes.

temptation...

i was given a line in class that read:: "You don't know what you're doing," she says, panting. "the devil..."  from that i was assigned to write a poem. i haven't written of my own accord in awhile... so bear with me.

temptation.
her reason for a furrowed brow,

a jagged pulse,

a rapid drumming of impatient digits.

to give in is to be proven weak.

to be destroyed by
one poor decision; 

one bad lapse in judgement.

and yet

it calls to her.

whispers of sweet nothings

wafting throughout her mind.

resisting.

holding true.

standing tall and steady.

ALL more burden than ease.

to stay the course

could prove to be more

damaging

than healing.

but there,

she stood.

like a lighthouse on the shore

during a capital five hurricane.

being bashed against its sides

 by wave after wave of

guilt for holding onto no's,

loneliness for accepting what's right

instead of whats effortless.

but there,

there she stood.

strong.

driven.

awe inspiring

in her will to stay the course.

though

 the devil did try.

with false promises,

unrealistic ideals,

unclear visions of an illusory future.

she did not give the satisfaction 

of batting even one lash in his direction.

hell

hath no power here.

and temptation?

is just that.

powerless,

weak,

ineffective

against her.