today i am below sea level. counting the waves of sadness as i use the ocean as my window to the rest of the world. i feel nothing but disappointment keeping me here. i have no motivation, no zest for life and yet i yearn for something more. i'm not sure what just yet.

here comes that feeling again...

you.
a sense of calm in complete chaos.
you make me feel my soul.
you set my heart ablaze.

i have searched for you.
at the bottom of empty bottles.
in the paint of my roof on sleepless nights.
in capsules filled with crystalized colors.

you've saved me.
with arms to help hold my shattered form together.
lips to kiss each wound left by past experience.
eyes to see and accept me in all lights.

i'm still caught off guard by the sight of you sometimes.
my lips tingle. my heart races. my fingers clench and unclench.
i freeze just to hide my excitement.
fight the urge to be already standing when you open the door.
try my best to hide goosebumps as you kiss the side of my neck, hello.

i knew i was going to love you the second i saw you again.
curly hair crazed. smile still infectious. lips i had yet to kiss.
your eyes were still as lovely as i remembered them.
a hasel to both lose and find myself swimming in.
staring into me with a sleepy kind of sadness.
and my heart had already been stepped on one too many times but i wanted you.
i wanted you to be mine. to fill the gaping hole in my chest.
to let me take care of you.
to have you take care of me.

in truth i was scared.
 i still am.

to lose you would mean the end of so many things.
you're the one risk i've ever taken.
and my heart has grown because of it.
i love you doesn't even begin to describe what i feel for you.
but until i find the right words it will have to do.

morning turkey wrap.

spiritually...
spiritually stuck in a place where no one knows my name.
dragged across time not knowing words like certainty and security.
holding tight to nights filled with smoke, clouds, and missed kisses.

i want for nothing.
though my heart says i need everything.
need something solid to stand on instead of this quick sand called life.
i don't need saving though i want to be saved.
i can't handle this but i know deep down i can.
i have all the answers but they're trapped between
the trying to be myself and being someone i can be proud of.

i just need some time.
to think more.
to be alone.
to concoct some sort of plan.

i need to decide whats what with my life.
i have it all saved somewhere.
i just need to find the file labeled mission in life.
it somewhere buried deep behind
the things i want to forget about
and the things i long to remember.