truth.

i bit a hole in my lip before i fell asleep last night.
i knew that nothing was resolved.
we just silently agreed to pretend together.
i was genuinely happy then.
but he doesn't get it.
he still gets mad.
hes a bad liar.
sure, its my choice to share what i want to
and withhold whatever i feel needs to be with held.
but that doesn't stop me from feeling like shit.
the tone in his voice says i'm right about one thing.
he hurts morethan he smiles.
its all my fault.
again.




truth be told, i've never been this emotional in my life.
i lied.
i have.
but that was way back when male figures were in close quarters.
when moms were so silent mice could be heard scurrying about in the walls.

i haven't changed one bit.
i've only grown worse at hiding.
and vulnerability sucks.


but atleast i wasn't lying when i said i was in love.
how do i know?
honestly?

it hurts like hell.

fuck.

i am insecure.
hands shaking.
air raking throughout my chest.
what am i doing here again?
picking at old wounds like i've got reinfield syndrome.
i need to feel the blood to remember that i'm still alive.
need to taste its metallic sweetness.
what am i doing here again?
didn't i have enough of this supposed rejected stage in life?
haven't i grown tired of waking up happy and going to sleep sad?
what happened to smiles, and sunsets, and cookie dough icecream?
where have all of my other emotions gone?
hiding.
laughing while watching me scramble about on a desperate search for something other than

" i don't know. "

these words themselves act as fuel to the fire.
they bring nothing but anguish.
doubt.
fear.
silence...

silence...

he doesn't like it when i'm quiet.
and things would be easier if i was a good liar.
if i was damn good at hiding my emotions.
pretending.
but i'm not.
i don't even know what they are.
these things that tighten my chest.
like victorian era corsets.
tight enough to break ribs and steal breaths.
his voice grows firm and my heart kicks it up a notch.
all attention is centered on the fact that my slow, labored breathing can't keep up with my pulse.
he says he loves me.
so why do i feel like that's an accusation all on its own?



"you're disappointing" it says. "you're disappointing but you're so beautiful when broken."

aquatica

There is a banging on the bathroom door.
Something close to an alarm.
Muffled voices are yelling beyond.
But all I can hear is the water.
Their song.
It floats up from beneath the bubbles and I can already picture them.
Eager. Hungry. Empty.

Slowly but surely I sink down into the tub.
And as soon as my face is engulfed by cool water,
They come.

At first my vision fades.
the outside world becomes a distant memory.
And beneath the water a new world emerges.
My pulse slows and the first caress is felt.
My shirt is pulled over my head with hurried hands.
I don’t remember where my pants have gone.
But I don’t care.

Laughter.
Bubbles.
They’ve come for me again.
They’re skin glows as bright as any moon beside mine.
They’re hair floats about.
Touching me. Touching them.
Mixing and mingling with the sea.

“Relaxxx,” they tell me, “We‘ll take care of you now.”

One cold hand crawls up my thigh.
Another cups my cheek.
Lips as soft as feather down press against my own.
She tastes of salt, fish, and faintly… blood.
She smiles while she kisses.
There’s a secret in her eyes.

I try to question it.
But her mouth eats at my reply.
This is heaven.
Or as close as I’ll ever get.
She touches me places I’ve never been touched.
I’m 41 and still this is the closest I’ve ever come to a real woman.
Or is it fish?

She looks up.
Startled by something.
Our lips part.

“What is it?”

She shakes her head.
Arms slowly releasing me.
My brows furrow.
She looks upset.
Her white hair shakes from left to right.
Her lips mouth,
“no.”

I’m trying for words but nothing comes out.
Just bubbles.
There’s no air here.
Water.
I can’t breathe water.
I forgot.
Its too late now.

Aquatica.

as long as aprils here

sometimes.
i feel its okay to cry.
its okay to feel a little down.
don't worry.
there's no one to point the finger.
cause you're all alone.
you're safe and sound.

with the images flowing.
your mind is still going.
backwards.
backwards.

tell me when the last was
that you let yourself break down.
tell me when it happened.
was it sometime this year?
have you forgotten what its like
to feel human inside?

no.
you just can't remember.
as long as aprils here.