truth.

i bit a hole in my lip before i fell asleep last night.
i knew that nothing was resolved.
we just silently agreed to pretend together.
i was genuinely happy then.
but he doesn't get it.
he still gets mad.
hes a bad liar.
sure, its my choice to share what i want to
and withhold whatever i feel needs to be with held.
but that doesn't stop me from feeling like shit.
the tone in his voice says i'm right about one thing.
he hurts morethan he smiles.
its all my fault.
again.




truth be told, i've never been this emotional in my life.
i lied.
i have.
but that was way back when male figures were in close quarters.
when moms were so silent mice could be heard scurrying about in the walls.

i haven't changed one bit.
i've only grown worse at hiding.
and vulnerability sucks.


but atleast i wasn't lying when i said i was in love.
how do i know?
honestly?

it hurts like hell.

fuck.

i am insecure.
hands shaking.
air raking throughout my chest.
what am i doing here again?
picking at old wounds like i've got reinfield syndrome.
i need to feel the blood to remember that i'm still alive.
need to taste its metallic sweetness.
what am i doing here again?
didn't i have enough of this supposed rejected stage in life?
haven't i grown tired of waking up happy and going to sleep sad?
what happened to smiles, and sunsets, and cookie dough icecream?
where have all of my other emotions gone?
hiding.
laughing while watching me scramble about on a desperate search for something other than

" i don't know. "

these words themselves act as fuel to the fire.
they bring nothing but anguish.
doubt.
fear.
silence...

silence...

he doesn't like it when i'm quiet.
and things would be easier if i was a good liar.
if i was damn good at hiding my emotions.
pretending.
but i'm not.
i don't even know what they are.
these things that tighten my chest.
like victorian era corsets.
tight enough to break ribs and steal breaths.
his voice grows firm and my heart kicks it up a notch.
all attention is centered on the fact that my slow, labored breathing can't keep up with my pulse.
he says he loves me.
so why do i feel like that's an accusation all on its own?



"you're disappointing" it says. "you're disappointing but you're so beautiful when broken."

aquatica

There is a banging on the bathroom door.
Something close to an alarm.
Muffled voices are yelling beyond.
But all I can hear is the water.
Their song.
It floats up from beneath the bubbles and I can already picture them.
Eager. Hungry. Empty.

Slowly but surely I sink down into the tub.
And as soon as my face is engulfed by cool water,
They come.

At first my vision fades.
the outside world becomes a distant memory.
And beneath the water a new world emerges.
My pulse slows and the first caress is felt.
My shirt is pulled over my head with hurried hands.
I don’t remember where my pants have gone.
But I don’t care.

Laughter.
Bubbles.
They’ve come for me again.
They’re skin glows as bright as any moon beside mine.
They’re hair floats about.
Touching me. Touching them.
Mixing and mingling with the sea.

“Relaxxx,” they tell me, “We‘ll take care of you now.”

One cold hand crawls up my thigh.
Another cups my cheek.
Lips as soft as feather down press against my own.
She tastes of salt, fish, and faintly… blood.
She smiles while she kisses.
There’s a secret in her eyes.

I try to question it.
But her mouth eats at my reply.
This is heaven.
Or as close as I’ll ever get.
She touches me places I’ve never been touched.
I’m 41 and still this is the closest I’ve ever come to a real woman.
Or is it fish?

She looks up.
Startled by something.
Our lips part.

“What is it?”

She shakes her head.
Arms slowly releasing me.
My brows furrow.
She looks upset.
Her white hair shakes from left to right.
Her lips mouth,
“no.”

I’m trying for words but nothing comes out.
Just bubbles.
There’s no air here.
Water.
I can’t breathe water.
I forgot.
Its too late now.

Aquatica.

as long as aprils here

sometimes.
i feel its okay to cry.
its okay to feel a little down.
don't worry.
there's no one to point the finger.
cause you're all alone.
you're safe and sound.

with the images flowing.
your mind is still going.
backwards.
backwards.

tell me when the last was
that you let yourself break down.
tell me when it happened.
was it sometime this year?
have you forgotten what its like
to feel human inside?

no.
you just can't remember.
as long as aprils here.

paper

don't be a f r a i d of dollar signs.
of pointless, o n e w a y, purchase lines.
they aren't h a z a r d o u s to your health.
just your w a l l e t 's.

detained.

I had been working on telling you the truth for years.
Keeping it all tucked safely away at the back of the vault that is my mind.
It lies in wait.
Watching for just the right moment to pounce on all the false promises you say.
They fall on me like bricks, hitting away all of my defenses.
And just when I believe that these words I've stored will surface,
you tell me all these lies to keep me right where you want me.
You wrap me around your thick fingers like a rubber band.
Yet I cut off no circulation.
And you're still relentless in your tall tales.
I soak them up because I need to believe them in order to keep moving on.
I need to stay quiet and accept them.
Like you are some wise old king.
And I am just some silly little princess with silly little idea's.
You pump me full of hope with your bedroom eyes.
Kiss away every doubt until I'm left begging for you to stay when it should be the other way around.
The world has so much to offer me yet I waste time in allowing you to keep me here.
I am Rapunzel, trapped in your castle of lies.
And you? You're my knight in shining armor.
But you have no plan to save me.

boy

he holds the key to every emotion i've been trying desperately to hide.
where no one else knows where to search,
his eyes automatically hit the right spot.
its like hes been waiting for me to show up for half a millenium with sleepy eyes.
hes got these hands that know just where to touch in order to calm an anxiety attack.
and i'm just wet clay for molding.

remember

i remember the first time i met you. you were bronze and gold all over from too much sun. i thought i was gonna die from how fast my heart was beating. but your hands held me in place. you never did let the world lose me. you always kept me close just in case.

lock

help me lock away every fucking doubt that i've ever had about myself. and you? you just don't understand that you've got the key to everything i have ever been afraid of. you have the power to destroy with one blink of your eyes.