close to you

why do stars fall down from the sky
every time you walk by?
just like me, they long to be
close to you.

adrian. the loveliest boy i know. one of few people who
understand me. he is an angel among men. and when
we're together, i'm an angel too.

on the day that you were born
the angels got together
and decided to create a dream come true.

my legs are wrapped around his waist. bare and gently
bronzed from the week before. a beach photoshoot. my
bikini was missing but a long scarf played along my curves
in its place. today we were supposed to be planning for
another shoot and i felt lonely. my body ached to be held.
and my lips craved to be kissed and my eyes longed to stare
deeply into another's. but i was content. here. my legs wrapped
around adrian's waist and my head resting on his shoulder
while i pouted and he tried to drink coffee around my petite frame.

so they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold

and starlight in your eyes of blue.

we'd been stuck like this for an hour now and if we didn't think
of something quickly my body would cloud over my mind. i'm
a very social creature, i need social interaction. i need to be
told how beautiful i am and i need to be loved and to give love
or else i turn into this angry little wench and i throw tantrums
and people get annoyed and then i get sad and i cry and i
feel ugly and stupid. and the cycle begins again.

vibration.
hips wiggling.
hands grope for
the thing responsible
for this feeling.

a phone. adrians. a message.

a girllll! a little vixen with cute text. shy words and a soft voice.
she's nothing like me or rafa sitting across from us. i can
already tell.

my eyes widen as a small smile plays along my lips.
a girl for adrian? he hasn't told me anything but then
again he's right to keep her a secret. i like to pry and
that's exactly what i'm doing in this moment. my fingers
lace behind the back of his neck and i can feel rafaela
glaring at me from the other side of the table. i don't care.
adrian calls me his princess, his petit bébé, his soleil,
and rafaela may be able to walk all over him but i still
have the upper hand.

"Adri-ann! Are you trying to cheat on me and Rafa? Mm?
Don't like making love to me anymore? Am I boring you?"

lightly tinted lips pout pink towards his beautiful face.
its obvious that i'm feigning sadness but a small
pang of insecurity dances in my tummy. i don't want
anyone to take adrian away from me because i'm
selfish and yet i want him to find someone to set
his heart ablaze. i want him to make love like he
used to. and despite being slightly jealous of this
anonymous woman, i read the message outloud.

"Ooo! A party, I love parties! We will go, yes?
I want to meet this girl you hide from me. She
better not be prettier than me or else I will have
to have her first. Come, We get dressed and then
we go. "

and before i move completely from his lap i study
his face. if this is a girl he likes then i will step away
but that doesn't mean that i can't have fun first. maybe
one or two more times. you don't get rid of good lovers
so easily. and adrian is one of my favorites.

"We can all shower at my place. The bath is big enough."

i wink. a shower will only be the start of a good night.
i know that if adrian is going then blake will be there
too and with the potential loss of my favorite boy i
might gain another. and as the summer sun shines
on, i have high hopes.

that is why all the girls in town
follow you all around.
just like me, they long to be
close to you.

the funeral

pacing. that's what i was doing.
pacing and twirling one thick
strand of chocolate brown hair
around my thin fingers. i've never
been married and i wasn't truly old
enough to remember my birth father's
death but this is brutal. i can't see my
momma like this. it breaks my heart
and i know she's probably cryin' but
my feet won't move and my hands
won't budge. i can't be her rock.

hell, i can't even be my own rock.
theo keeps sitting by the front door.
hes waiting for me to open the door.
i know he wants to lay at moms feet.
comfort her like hes been doing with
me for the past few days.

"Good boy. Just give me a few more minutes."

i need them.
i need those tiny little minutes.
to rebuild my composure.
to rub away the salty tears
that have my eyes burning
red. red. like the tie dad wore
to his grave. like the roses that
encircled his goodbye wreath.
like the collar around theos neck
while he gets restless.

"Don't look at me like that."

i can tell what hes thinking. he's thinking about how much of a coward i am.
hes angry at the fact that i'm afraid to face my mothers tear drenched face
because i know the second my eyes lock onto her current state i'll want to
lay in her lap and cry myself to sleep. i miss him. but more importantly she
misses him. she misses the reassuring touches he'd often give whenever she
needed them most. but hes not here to give them now.

i am.

chest heaving up and down.
hands swiping at my eyes.
legs reluctantly moving towards the door.
and my hand reaches out to turn the knob.
tears already threatened to flow as soon as
i opened the door and stepped in. i didn't
even acknowledge anyone as i entered the
house. my gaze followed theo as he
manuevered through a sea of familiar legs
in order to find that one. and he does.

bathrobe wrapped tightly around her like a safety
blanket. eyes downcast. hair a mess. i've never
seen her like this before. i've never seen my
mother so distraught, so broken, so...

something clicks in my chest.
a fire burning deep down in my heart
so intense that it almost hurts. i say
nothing as i approach. my arms engulf
her shorter frame gently as if moving too
fast might cause her to break. its my
turn to nurture now. that damn man.
the smell of him on the robe is thick
and welcoming. i should be crying
for his absence but my tears are angry.
if i could i'd grow wings. fly to the heavens
and beat the shit out of him for doing this
to her. for leaving my mother. for leaving me.
for leaving all of us in a time when we needed
him most. how dare he?! how dare he leave
us all to reconfigure our lives? how dare he
break so many hearts?

i hold her tighter now. my hands move to wipe away
the stray tears that seem endless as they fall from
her eyes. and the anger inside me helps me to be
strong. it motivates me. drives me to do whatever
i need to do in order for her be okay.

theo lays his big furry head onto her lap as if he means
to say that he's willing to do anything to help as well
and together we silently vow to lift every weight from
my mothers shoulders until she's ready to be on her
own again. its time for the roles to switch.

and although i'm sure that i'm not ready to take on that kind of responsibility,
i'd do anything for my mother as shes always done for me.

"It'll be okay momma. It'll be okay."
my lips press against her temple
and i smile despite the tears stinging
my eyes. i know we can do this.

but if i could. i'd resurrect him so i wouldn't have to see the look of pain in her eyes.

temptation...

i was given a line in class that read:: "You don't know what you're doing," she says, panting. "the devil..."  from that i was assigned to write a poem. i haven't written of my own accord in awhile... so bear with me.

temptation.
her reason for a furrowed brow,

a jagged pulse,

a rapid drumming of impatient digits.

to give in is to be proven weak.

to be destroyed by
one poor decision; 

one bad lapse in judgement.

and yet

it calls to her.

whispers of sweet nothings

wafting throughout her mind.

resisting.

holding true.

standing tall and steady.

ALL more burden than ease.

to stay the course

could prove to be more

damaging

than healing.

but there,

she stood.

like a lighthouse on the shore

during a capital five hurricane.

being bashed against its sides

 by wave after wave of

guilt for holding onto no's,

loneliness for accepting what's right

instead of whats effortless.

but there,

there she stood.

strong.

driven.

awe inspiring

in her will to stay the course.

though

 the devil did try.

with false promises,

unrealistic ideals,

unclear visions of an illusory future.

she did not give the satisfaction 

of batting even one lash in his direction.

hell

hath no power here.

and temptation?

is just that.

powerless,

weak,

ineffective

against her.

i awoke to the feeling of your lips on my skin.
goosebumps stripped me from a dream i cannot remember.
my eyes met yours as you pulled away but your hands wandered lower.
on a regular day i would feel absolutely fervent.
excited by what was to follow.
but today i just feel stupid.
i feel stupid and used.
my mind keeps playing back the events of the other day.
a swerving car, razor blades, a highway fence, a loaded gun, my begging screams.
my chest feels empty and hollow.
my heart aches and echoes in every bone of my body.
i am lost and confused.

floatation

feeling like a puff of dust in the wind.

the day drags on and i fly and fly.

unsure of my destination but content in the lack of control.

just hovering. 

apathetic.

numb.

but free.

i don't want to talk about it..

i am broken, mangled, twisted like rusted barb wire along a forgotten fence.
i've stuffed flowers in each new gash made by the pain of memories.
i'm trying to make light of the darkness inside my mind.
the quicksand that is a certain moment forever suspended in time.


i am frozen.
fists clenched.
eyes shut.
teeth digging into my bottom lip.
is it over yet? is it done?
fingers probe in places they shouldn't be.
touch things they shouldn't touch...

i shouldn't be doing this.
i should scream.
i could scream.
but no.
no one would hear me.
no one would believe me.
no one would listen.

i've tried to speak before.
my words were trampled on by laughter and questioning eyes..
so this time won't be any different.

hold fast.
breathe deep.
stay strong.
they're done.
they leave.

i'm empty.
i am drained.
i am scared.
i am dirty.
i am unforgivable.
i am a disgrace.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.

and i live with this every day.
every waking moment.
i let them do it.
i didn't fight.
i just stayed there.
pretending to be invisible.
trying my hardest to not exist anymore.

too much here.

theres this nagging in middle of my chest when i breathe deep.
its like having someone drag a spoon across my ribcage.
its like a string is tied around my heart and my feet are used as an anchor.
and someone tied the rope too tight.
its cutting off circulation and i'm unable to human.
one moment i am consumed with anger.
burning bridge after bridge until i collapse in on myself.
to cry on the inside.
let the tears burn lines down the back of my throat..
echoing my now sorrow filled screams against the roof my skull.
then turn to laughter as i try to keep myself together.
but wind up showing through.

i am tired now.
i've felt far too much.
and i must rest.

but my mind is going a thousand miles a minute.
in my head there are file cabinets and papers flying everywhere.
i am trying to fix me but i lost my reboot somewhere between 8th and 11th grade.
so everything is fucked now.

i'm stuck.
in this skin.
back where i started out.
i am trying to cope.
failing.