i don't want to talk about it..

i am broken, mangled, twisted like rusted barb wire along a forgotten fence.
i've stuffed flowers in each new gash made by the pain of memories.
i'm trying to make light of the darkness inside my mind.
the quicksand that is a certain moment forever suspended in time.


i am frozen.
fists clenched.
eyes shut.
teeth digging into my bottom lip.
is it over yet? is it done?
fingers probe in places they shouldn't be.
touch things they shouldn't touch...

i shouldn't be doing this.
i should scream.
i could scream.
but no.
no one would hear me.
no one would believe me.
no one would listen.

i've tried to speak before.
my words were trampled on by laughter and questioning eyes..
so this time won't be any different.

hold fast.
breathe deep.
stay strong.
they're done.
they leave.

i'm empty.
i am drained.
i am scared.
i am dirty.
i am unforgivable.
i am a disgrace.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.

and i live with this every day.
every waking moment.
i let them do it.
i didn't fight.
i just stayed there.
pretending to be invisible.
trying my hardest to not exist anymore.