the funeral

pacing. that's what i was doing.
pacing and twirling one thick
strand of chocolate brown hair
around my thin fingers. i've never
been married and i wasn't truly old
enough to remember my birth father's
death but this is brutal. i can't see my
momma like this. it breaks my heart
and i know she's probably cryin' but
my feet won't move and my hands
won't budge. i can't be her rock.

hell, i can't even be my own rock.
theo keeps sitting by the front door.
hes waiting for me to open the door.
i know he wants to lay at moms feet.
comfort her like hes been doing with
me for the past few days.

"Good boy. Just give me a few more minutes."

i need them.
i need those tiny little minutes.
to rebuild my composure.
to rub away the salty tears
that have my eyes burning
red. red. like the tie dad wore
to his grave. like the roses that
encircled his goodbye wreath.
like the collar around theos neck
while he gets restless.

"Don't look at me like that."

i can tell what hes thinking. he's thinking about how much of a coward i am.
hes angry at the fact that i'm afraid to face my mothers tear drenched face
because i know the second my eyes lock onto her current state i'll want to
lay in her lap and cry myself to sleep. i miss him. but more importantly she
misses him. she misses the reassuring touches he'd often give whenever she
needed them most. but hes not here to give them now.

i am.

chest heaving up and down.
hands swiping at my eyes.
legs reluctantly moving towards the door.
and my hand reaches out to turn the knob.
tears already threatened to flow as soon as
i opened the door and stepped in. i didn't
even acknowledge anyone as i entered the
house. my gaze followed theo as he
manuevered through a sea of familiar legs
in order to find that one. and he does.

bathrobe wrapped tightly around her like a safety
blanket. eyes downcast. hair a mess. i've never
seen her like this before. i've never seen my
mother so distraught, so broken, so...

something clicks in my chest.
a fire burning deep down in my heart
so intense that it almost hurts. i say
nothing as i approach. my arms engulf
her shorter frame gently as if moving too
fast might cause her to break. its my
turn to nurture now. that damn man.
the smell of him on the robe is thick
and welcoming. i should be crying
for his absence but my tears are angry.
if i could i'd grow wings. fly to the heavens
and beat the shit out of him for doing this
to her. for leaving my mother. for leaving me.
for leaving all of us in a time when we needed
him most. how dare he?! how dare he leave
us all to reconfigure our lives? how dare he
break so many hearts?

i hold her tighter now. my hands move to wipe away
the stray tears that seem endless as they fall from
her eyes. and the anger inside me helps me to be
strong. it motivates me. drives me to do whatever
i need to do in order for her be okay.

theo lays his big furry head onto her lap as if he means
to say that he's willing to do anything to help as well
and together we silently vow to lift every weight from
my mothers shoulders until she's ready to be on her
own again. its time for the roles to switch.

and although i'm sure that i'm not ready to take on that kind of responsibility,
i'd do anything for my mother as shes always done for me.

"It'll be okay momma. It'll be okay."
my lips press against her temple
and i smile despite the tears stinging
my eyes. i know we can do this.

but if i could. i'd resurrect him so i wouldn't have to see the look of pain in her eyes.

temptation...

i was given a line in class that read:: "You don't know what you're doing," she says, panting. "the devil..."  from that i was assigned to write a poem. i haven't written of my own accord in awhile... so bear with me.

temptation.
her reason for a furrowed brow,

a jagged pulse,

a rapid drumming of impatient digits.

to give in is to be proven weak.

to be destroyed by
one poor decision; 

one bad lapse in judgement.

and yet

it calls to her.

whispers of sweet nothings

wafting throughout her mind.

resisting.

holding true.

standing tall and steady.

ALL more burden than ease.

to stay the course

could prove to be more

damaging

than healing.

but there,

she stood.

like a lighthouse on the shore

during a capital five hurricane.

being bashed against its sides

 by wave after wave of

guilt for holding onto no's,

loneliness for accepting what's right

instead of whats effortless.

but there,

there she stood.

strong.

driven.

awe inspiring

in her will to stay the course.

though

 the devil did try.

with false promises,

unrealistic ideals,

unclear visions of an illusory future.

she did not give the satisfaction 

of batting even one lash in his direction.

hell

hath no power here.

and temptation?

is just that.

powerless,

weak,

ineffective

against her.

i awoke to the feeling of your lips on my skin.
goosebumps stripped me from a dream i cannot remember.
my eyes met yours as you pulled away but your hands wandered lower.
on a regular day i would feel absolutely fervent.
excited by what was to follow.
but today i just feel stupid.
i feel stupid and used.
my mind keeps playing back the events of the other day.
a swerving car, razor blades, a highway fence, a loaded gun, my begging screams.
my chest feels empty and hollow.
my heart aches and echoes in every bone of my body.
i am lost and confused.

floatation

feeling like a puff of dust in the wind.

the day drags on and i fly and fly.

unsure of my destination but content in the lack of control.

just hovering. 

apathetic.

numb.

but free.

i don't want to talk about it..

i am broken, mangled, twisted like rusted barb wire along a forgotten fence.
i've stuffed flowers in each new gash made by the pain of memories.
i'm trying to make light of the darkness inside my mind.
the quicksand that is a certain moment forever suspended in time.


i am frozen.
fists clenched.
eyes shut.
teeth digging into my bottom lip.
is it over yet? is it done?
fingers probe in places they shouldn't be.
touch things they shouldn't touch...

i shouldn't be doing this.
i should scream.
i could scream.
but no.
no one would hear me.
no one would believe me.
no one would listen.

i've tried to speak before.
my words were trampled on by laughter and questioning eyes..
so this time won't be any different.

hold fast.
breathe deep.
stay strong.
they're done.
they leave.

i'm empty.
i am drained.
i am scared.
i am dirty.
i am unforgivable.
i am a disgrace.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.

and i live with this every day.
every waking moment.
i let them do it.
i didn't fight.
i just stayed there.
pretending to be invisible.
trying my hardest to not exist anymore.

too much here.

theres this nagging in middle of my chest when i breathe deep.
its like having someone drag a spoon across my ribcage.
its like a string is tied around my heart and my feet are used as an anchor.
and someone tied the rope too tight.
its cutting off circulation and i'm unable to human.
one moment i am consumed with anger.
burning bridge after bridge until i collapse in on myself.
to cry on the inside.
let the tears burn lines down the back of my throat..
echoing my now sorrow filled screams against the roof my skull.
then turn to laughter as i try to keep myself together.
but wind up showing through.

i am tired now.
i've felt far too much.
and i must rest.

but my mind is going a thousand miles a minute.
in my head there are file cabinets and papers flying everywhere.
i am trying to fix me but i lost my reboot somewhere between 8th and 11th grade.
so everything is fucked now.

i'm stuck.
in this skin.
back where i started out.
i am trying to cope.
failing.

people never believe someone when they
say they're struggling with negative emotions.
"everyone gets sad" they'll say.
"life's hard" they retort.
"take a number and get in line."
no one ever believes how hard
someone is trying not to drown.
they always think it's a joke.

until you take your last breath.
until you've finally taken that jump off the edge.
until your soul has left your body.