i don't want to talk about it..

i am broken, mangled, twisted like rusted barb wire along a forgotten fence.
i've stuffed flowers in each new gash made by the pain of memories.
i'm trying to make light of the darkness inside my mind.
the quicksand that is a certain moment forever suspended in time.


i am frozen.
fists clenched.
eyes shut.
teeth digging into my bottom lip.
is it over yet? is it done?
fingers probe in places they shouldn't be.
touch things they shouldn't touch...

i shouldn't be doing this.
i should scream.
i could scream.
but no.
no one would hear me.
no one would believe me.
no one would listen.

i've tried to speak before.
my words were trampled on by laughter and questioning eyes..
so this time won't be any different.

hold fast.
breathe deep.
stay strong.
they're done.
they leave.

i'm empty.
i am drained.
i am scared.
i am dirty.
i am unforgivable.
i am a disgrace.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.
a coward.

and i live with this every day.
every waking moment.
i let them do it.
i didn't fight.
i just stayed there.
pretending to be invisible.
trying my hardest to not exist anymore.

too much here.

theres this nagging in middle of my chest when i breathe deep.
its like having someone drag a spoon across my ribcage.
its like a string is tied around my heart and my feet are used as an anchor.
and someone tied the rope too tight.
its cutting off circulation and i'm unable to human.
one moment i am consumed with anger.
burning bridge after bridge until i collapse in on myself.
to cry on the inside.
let the tears burn lines down the back of my throat..
echoing my now sorrow filled screams against the roof my skull.
then turn to laughter as i try to keep myself together.
but wind up showing through.

i am tired now.
i've felt far too much.
and i must rest.

but my mind is going a thousand miles a minute.
in my head there are file cabinets and papers flying everywhere.
i am trying to fix me but i lost my reboot somewhere between 8th and 11th grade.
so everything is fucked now.

i'm stuck.
in this skin.
back where i started out.
i am trying to cope.
failing.