people never believe someone when they
say they're struggling with negative emotions.
"everyone gets sad" they'll say.
"life's hard" they retort.
"take a number and get in line."
no one ever believes how hard
someone is trying not to drown.
they always think it's a joke.

until you take your last breath.
until you've finally taken that jump off the edge.
until your soul has left your body.

the most important things are the hardest things to say...

expectations leading me down a hallway i know so well

yet fight so hard to pretend i can't see it.

the walls of disappointment are slowly closing in on me lately.

how? how do i travel so many roads, search the darkest

depths of my soul and still find myself here? 

for brutus

I was eight years old. I didn’t know anything about losing something or rather someone that was close to my young heart. Truth be told, there were deaths in my family and divorces so fueled by hate and aggression that it was almost a promise that I’d never see certain ‘family members’ again. But I’d learn about these things when I was much older. My mother tried her hardest to protect me from the real world. She just couldn’t protect me from this.

I remember the night as vividly as I would if it had only happened a few minutes ago. It had been raining for the past few weeks. The weather seemed fitting with my mood. I was completely miserable with a fever, food refused to make a bed in my stomach, and all the ginger ale, Shirley Temple movies, and fluffy teddy bears couldn’t make me feel better. I’d been made to spend the day inside. At first I was confined to my room but after quite a few well placed pouts and crocodile tears, I’d convinced my mother to at least let me set up camp in the den where I could see the dogs. I had set up a fortress of my own with several of the kitchen table’s chairs and made sure the opening to my pretend castle faced the den’s sliding glass door and my knight in shining armor beyond it. I knew he could see me lying on the tile floor with my flushed cheeks and puffy eyes. Every time I sniffled his ears would twitch just a little and though he knew I wasn't allowed outside, every time I coughed he’d lift his head in acknowledgement. He knew I was sick and although the other dogs were busy playing puddles, my hero stood strong at my side. We stayed like that together for what seemed to be a lifetime but perhaps that’s because I’d fallen asleep somewhere between seven and eight. I dreamt of something but that I cannot recall. All I remember was waking up in my bedroom to sharp crack of lightning outside. The rain must have picked up while I slept; and despite being deathly afraid of both the dark and the frogs that must be bouncing around the backyard in this weather, I grabbed one of my stuffed animals and made my way out into the hall way. The only light was coming from the kitchen; the light above the stove. Taking a deep breath, I bolted from my room to kitchen and quickly stood in the small circle of light near the stove. I listened intently for any signs of the boogey man but all I could here was the rain and a scratching sound coming from the den. I thought that this must be my knight coming to make sure I was safe because my motives for leaving my room were the same. Happily, with the thought of monsters far in the back of my mind, I moved to the sliding glass door in the den. But it wasn’t my four legged hero scratching at the screen door. It was a man, dressed in black, slicing through it. I did the only thing I could think to do, I screamed. I screamed for my mother. I screamed for my brothers. I screamed and ran to hide beneath the kitchen table. Lights came on and people shuffled out of their rooms. My brothers, all three, ran from the front door to catch the man and my mother, after briefly making sure I was okay, ran right after them with a phone gripped tightly in her hands. She stood before the door way and I slowly moved towards her; crying because I was afraid. But the second I came to the door, something caught my eye. My eyes fought hard to focus through the rain and my grip tightened on my bear. There was a dark figure running into the street with someone right at his heels. A cars horn immediately sounded and my brothers yelled, “STOP!”. Something flew through the air and my mother ran out, gripping my hand tightly in her own. As we reached the street where my brothers were yelling, I couldn’t hear anything. It was as if the world slowed down just for this one terribly painful moment. My mother tried to shield my eyes but I fought her. There, lying on the ground before the car was my hero stiff as a board. Instinct told me to call out to him and I did but he didn’t come. I yelled his name but he didn’t come. I fought against my mother to go to him, to be there at his side, to let him see that I was here and so he could stop playing now. He could stop playing dead because it wasn’t funny anymore. But the look on my brother’s face as I said this out loud let me know that he wasn’t playing at all.

I’d lost my hero because a stupid teenage boy decided to break into a family home. I’d lost my hero because he was trying to protect my family, to protect me. Brutus wasn’t just a dog; he was my best friend, my soul mate, my knight in shining armor. He was my everything and in just a few minutes, he was taken away from me. I didn’t sleep that night or the night after that and still to this day I can’t talk about him without crying. My sleeping habits are crazy and I often find myself comparing my dogs now to him. He grew up with me from when I was in my mother’s womb up until I was eight years old. I’m sure you can understand that a great piece of my childhood involved that dog and that same bit died with him.

She was scared. Absolutely terrified of what was going to happen next but that still didn’t stop Sophia. She didn’t dare look back when Ava told her to go to the bike. She just listened, quickly running down the stairs. Her bare feet made small puffs of dirt as she moved; hands pulling Ethan’s jacket tightly around her. The air was warm and thick as it entered her lungs. Even in the night the touch of the sun was still evident so the ground was a little hot under her feet but that was the least of her worries. With Ava still focusing on the man upstairs, Sophia took her chance. Quickly yet still carefully, she took a few pages from the journal. Some were full pages and others were only half or smaller. Sure, she was trusting but she wasn’t dumb. Sophia knew more than anyone that to trust someone completely without question was to sign your own death warrant. She knew Ava would get her out but she wasn’t exactly sure if the girl would keep her other half of the bargain. Her saving grace would be her memory. It was pretty similar to that of an elephant’s. She remembered conversations from years ago, word for word. She’d even remembered the last words Amina said to her before she died. It was another reason why he kept her around.  

Besides, Sophie needed Ava. There is only so much you can do at her weight especially when you considered how she was dressed. A bra, hot pants, and a large weren’t exactly as threatening as they were alluring. Perhaps the jacket could be thrown as a distraction but that was as good as it got. Besides, the only thing Sophie had going for her was the ability to throw knives, scream really loud, and run just as fast as any gazelle. There, standing beside the motorbike, she had no knives, screams wouldn’t help her, and running wouldn’t be required with the bike. She was at a very large disadvantage.

BANG! Several loud booms went off in the hallway she’d just escaped while Ava moved down the stairs towards the bike. This woman was more threatening than Sophie was for sure. Even Ethan hesitated when he spoke to her at times and that was why she stuck to her. Without Ava to defend her where she couldn’t, Sophie would still be laying in Ethan’s bed terrified of the night’s coming events. As they raced off into the night, Sophia wrapped her arms around Ava’s waist and used the taller woman’s back as a sort of shield from the dust floating up around them. She didn’t dare glance behind them. The bike was going so fast that Sophie figured it’d be best to just keep her eyes closed. She didn’t quite understand how Ava was doing it; seeing as fast as they were going. But then again, there were still a lot of things that Sophie didn’t understand about the woman in front of her but she was sure she’d find out everything soon enough.

Slowly but surely, the bike slowed in front of what appeared to be a small cave.  Sophie hesitated, she could see things moving, hear them in the dark but if Ava thought this would be a good place to rest then she had to trust her. She entered the cave last with her hands running against one of it’s walls. Her bare feet hurt against a few of the stones scattered across the ground. Even the air in the place was thick and musky, smelling slightly of mold. Sophie stumbled a few times but she noticed that Ava moved before her like there was some sort of light in the cave when it was nearly as dark as the sky outside. Something was definitely different about this woman. Ethan never kept people around him just because they looked scary. Most of his personal guard all had pretty gruesome pasts. Now Ava had her wondering why he’d kept her around. Sophie kept out of her way though by placing herself to Ava’s left and farthest away from the entrance. She sat down ignoring the feeling of cold stone and watched the other woman light a fire.

“We’ll be safe from Ethan and his men here.”

Sophie nodded her reply. She didn’t have much to say at the time because her eyes were fixated on the entrance of the cave. Something was there. Something that she couldn’t readily identify or maybe there was nothing there at all. Maybe the shadow she was seeing was just a small change in the amount of light coming from the moon outside. [i]Perhaps a cloud covered it.[/i] Her eyes lowered to her hands as she allowed her mind to think of other things but something moved again. Sophie gasped but Ava was ahead of her, calmly speaking to whatever it was outside. She knew what it was from the way she spoke to it and her eyes seemed focused on it yet Sophia could see nothing. What the hell was going on?

“He can have her. If he comes here, tell me Mo.”

[i]What?[/i]

“Give me the journal.”

Her heart was racing now. Her hands were even starting to shake. “W-what? What do you mean? You said you’d take me home if I got this journal for you. I did, didn’t I?”  She stood then, to face the woman in question. She knew she shouldn’t have trusted her. She should’ve tried to risk it on her own. But she’d believed the sob story about Ava’s father and she knew what it felt like to love and feel loss. So she’d believed her in the hopes that maybe she’d be different than most of the people in Ethan’s guard. But now she knew in every cell of her body that she’d been wrong and that whoever this Graver fellow was, he was coming for her like Ethan had. “You know what? Forget it. Here.” Sophia threw the journal at Ava with one fluid motion and walked towards the entrance of the cave. “Fuck you Ava,” she called over her shoulder, “Fuck you and Ethan… You’re both two of a fucking kind.” With that she walked out into the night clutching the leather jacket around herself. She had nowhere to go and no one to save her but she’d rather belong to the canyon people than Ethan any day. Sure they were rough, they would use her body just as Ethan had but atleast they’d protect her. At least she hoped they would.

“You want me?!” Sophie stopped a few paces from the cave. She could hear things moving around her. Leaves crunched, gravel moved, rocks fell along the hillside but nothing approached. “You want me?! Come and get me!” She would not die if she gave herself willingly. They wouldn’t hurt her if she pretended like she enjoyed would they? Either way, death was better than being with Ethan. She slipped his jacket off, standing only in the bra and cut off shorts she’d thrown on. She turned to see if anything approached but everything was suddenly still. Everything grew quiet. Should she get rid of the rest? She could see them now with their eyes glowing softly in the moonlight yet they stayed out of reach. Why?

“Come! You can have me. Come on!!”