people never believe someone when they
say they're struggling with negative emotions.
"everyone gets sad" they'll say.
"life's hard" they retort.
"take a number and get in line."
no one ever believes how hard
someone is trying not to drown.
they always think it's a joke.

until you take your last breath.
until you've finally taken that jump off the edge.
until your soul has left your body.

the most important things are the hardest things to say...

expectations leading me down a hallway i know so well

yet fight so hard to pretend i can't see it.

the walls of disappointment are slowly closing in on me lately.

how? how do i travel so many roads, search the darkest

depths of my soul and still find myself here? 

for brutus

I was eight years old. I didn’t know anything about losing something or rather someone that was close to my young heart. Truth be told, there were deaths in my family and divorces so fueled by hate and aggression that it was almost a promise that I’d never see certain ‘family members’ again. But I’d learn about these things when I was much older. My mother tried her hardest to protect me from the real world. She just couldn’t protect me from this.

I remember the night as vividly as I would if it had only happened a few minutes ago. It had been raining for the past few weeks. The weather seemed fitting with my mood. I was completely miserable with a fever, food refused to make a bed in my stomach, and all the ginger ale, Shirley Temple movies, and fluffy teddy bears couldn’t make me feel better. I’d been made to spend the day inside. At first I was confined to my room but after quite a few well placed pouts and crocodile tears, I’d convinced my mother to at least let me set up camp in the den where I could see the dogs. I had set up a fortress of my own with several of the kitchen table’s chairs and made sure the opening to my pretend castle faced the den’s sliding glass door and my knight in shining armor beyond it. I knew he could see me lying on the tile floor with my flushed cheeks and puffy eyes. Every time I sniffled his ears would twitch just a little and though he knew I wasn't allowed outside, every time I coughed he’d lift his head in acknowledgement. He knew I was sick and although the other dogs were busy playing puddles, my hero stood strong at my side. We stayed like that together for what seemed to be a lifetime but perhaps that’s because I’d fallen asleep somewhere between seven and eight. I dreamt of something but that I cannot recall. All I remember was waking up in my bedroom to sharp crack of lightning outside. The rain must have picked up while I slept; and despite being deathly afraid of both the dark and the frogs that must be bouncing around the backyard in this weather, I grabbed one of my stuffed animals and made my way out into the hall way. The only light was coming from the kitchen; the light above the stove. Taking a deep breath, I bolted from my room to kitchen and quickly stood in the small circle of light near the stove. I listened intently for any signs of the boogey man but all I could here was the rain and a scratching sound coming from the den. I thought that this must be my knight coming to make sure I was safe because my motives for leaving my room were the same. Happily, with the thought of monsters far in the back of my mind, I moved to the sliding glass door in the den. But it wasn’t my four legged hero scratching at the screen door. It was a man, dressed in black, slicing through it. I did the only thing I could think to do, I screamed. I screamed for my mother. I screamed for my brothers. I screamed and ran to hide beneath the kitchen table. Lights came on and people shuffled out of their rooms. My brothers, all three, ran from the front door to catch the man and my mother, after briefly making sure I was okay, ran right after them with a phone gripped tightly in her hands. She stood before the door way and I slowly moved towards her; crying because I was afraid. But the second I came to the door, something caught my eye. My eyes fought hard to focus through the rain and my grip tightened on my bear. There was a dark figure running into the street with someone right at his heels. A cars horn immediately sounded and my brothers yelled, “STOP!”. Something flew through the air and my mother ran out, gripping my hand tightly in her own. As we reached the street where my brothers were yelling, I couldn’t hear anything. It was as if the world slowed down just for this one terribly painful moment. My mother tried to shield my eyes but I fought her. There, lying on the ground before the car was my hero stiff as a board. Instinct told me to call out to him and I did but he didn’t come. I yelled his name but he didn’t come. I fought against my mother to go to him, to be there at his side, to let him see that I was here and so he could stop playing now. He could stop playing dead because it wasn’t funny anymore. But the look on my brother’s face as I said this out loud let me know that he wasn’t playing at all.

I’d lost my hero because a stupid teenage boy decided to break into a family home. I’d lost my hero because he was trying to protect my family, to protect me. Brutus wasn’t just a dog; he was my best friend, my soul mate, my knight in shining armor. He was my everything and in just a few minutes, he was taken away from me. I didn’t sleep that night or the night after that and still to this day I can’t talk about him without crying. My sleeping habits are crazy and I often find myself comparing my dogs now to him. He grew up with me from when I was in my mother’s womb up until I was eight years old. I’m sure you can understand that a great piece of my childhood involved that dog and that same bit died with him.

She was scared. Absolutely terrified of what was going to happen next but that still didn’t stop Sophia. She didn’t dare look back when Ava told her to go to the bike. She just listened, quickly running down the stairs. Her bare feet made small puffs of dirt as she moved; hands pulling Ethan’s jacket tightly around her. The air was warm and thick as it entered her lungs. Even in the night the touch of the sun was still evident so the ground was a little hot under her feet but that was the least of her worries. With Ava still focusing on the man upstairs, Sophia took her chance. Quickly yet still carefully, she took a few pages from the journal. Some were full pages and others were only half or smaller. Sure, she was trusting but she wasn’t dumb. Sophia knew more than anyone that to trust someone completely without question was to sign your own death warrant. She knew Ava would get her out but she wasn’t exactly sure if the girl would keep her other half of the bargain. Her saving grace would be her memory. It was pretty similar to that of an elephant’s. She remembered conversations from years ago, word for word. She’d even remembered the last words Amina said to her before she died. It was another reason why he kept her around.  

Besides, Sophie needed Ava. There is only so much you can do at her weight especially when you considered how she was dressed. A bra, hot pants, and a large weren’t exactly as threatening as they were alluring. Perhaps the jacket could be thrown as a distraction but that was as good as it got. Besides, the only thing Sophie had going for her was the ability to throw knives, scream really loud, and run just as fast as any gazelle. There, standing beside the motorbike, she had no knives, screams wouldn’t help her, and running wouldn’t be required with the bike. She was at a very large disadvantage.

BANG! Several loud booms went off in the hallway she’d just escaped while Ava moved down the stairs towards the bike. This woman was more threatening than Sophie was for sure. Even Ethan hesitated when he spoke to her at times and that was why she stuck to her. Without Ava to defend her where she couldn’t, Sophie would still be laying in Ethan’s bed terrified of the night’s coming events. As they raced off into the night, Sophia wrapped her arms around Ava’s waist and used the taller woman’s back as a sort of shield from the dust floating up around them. She didn’t dare glance behind them. The bike was going so fast that Sophie figured it’d be best to just keep her eyes closed. She didn’t quite understand how Ava was doing it; seeing as fast as they were going. But then again, there were still a lot of things that Sophie didn’t understand about the woman in front of her but she was sure she’d find out everything soon enough.

Slowly but surely, the bike slowed in front of what appeared to be a small cave.  Sophie hesitated, she could see things moving, hear them in the dark but if Ava thought this would be a good place to rest then she had to trust her. She entered the cave last with her hands running against one of it’s walls. Her bare feet hurt against a few of the stones scattered across the ground. Even the air in the place was thick and musky, smelling slightly of mold. Sophie stumbled a few times but she noticed that Ava moved before her like there was some sort of light in the cave when it was nearly as dark as the sky outside. Something was definitely different about this woman. Ethan never kept people around him just because they looked scary. Most of his personal guard all had pretty gruesome pasts. Now Ava had her wondering why he’d kept her around. Sophie kept out of her way though by placing herself to Ava’s left and farthest away from the entrance. She sat down ignoring the feeling of cold stone and watched the other woman light a fire.

“We’ll be safe from Ethan and his men here.”

Sophie nodded her reply. She didn’t have much to say at the time because her eyes were fixated on the entrance of the cave. Something was there. Something that she couldn’t readily identify or maybe there was nothing there at all. Maybe the shadow she was seeing was just a small change in the amount of light coming from the moon outside. [i]Perhaps a cloud covered it.[/i] Her eyes lowered to her hands as she allowed her mind to think of other things but something moved again. Sophie gasped but Ava was ahead of her, calmly speaking to whatever it was outside. She knew what it was from the way she spoke to it and her eyes seemed focused on it yet Sophia could see nothing. What the hell was going on?

“He can have her. If he comes here, tell me Mo.”

[i]What?[/i]

“Give me the journal.”

Her heart was racing now. Her hands were even starting to shake. “W-what? What do you mean? You said you’d take me home if I got this journal for you. I did, didn’t I?”  She stood then, to face the woman in question. She knew she shouldn’t have trusted her. She should’ve tried to risk it on her own. But she’d believed the sob story about Ava’s father and she knew what it felt like to love and feel loss. So she’d believed her in the hopes that maybe she’d be different than most of the people in Ethan’s guard. But now she knew in every cell of her body that she’d been wrong and that whoever this Graver fellow was, he was coming for her like Ethan had. “You know what? Forget it. Here.” Sophia threw the journal at Ava with one fluid motion and walked towards the entrance of the cave. “Fuck you Ava,” she called over her shoulder, “Fuck you and Ethan… You’re both two of a fucking kind.” With that she walked out into the night clutching the leather jacket around herself. She had nowhere to go and no one to save her but she’d rather belong to the canyon people than Ethan any day. Sure they were rough, they would use her body just as Ethan had but atleast they’d protect her. At least she hoped they would.

“You want me?!” Sophie stopped a few paces from the cave. She could hear things moving around her. Leaves crunched, gravel moved, rocks fell along the hillside but nothing approached. “You want me?! Come and get me!” She would not die if she gave herself willingly. They wouldn’t hurt her if she pretended like she enjoyed would they? Either way, death was better than being with Ethan. She slipped his jacket off, standing only in the bra and cut off shorts she’d thrown on. She turned to see if anything approached but everything was suddenly still. Everything grew quiet. Should she get rid of the rest? She could see them now with their eyes glowing softly in the moonlight yet they stayed out of reach. Why?

“Come! You can have me. Come on!!”

i say i do but...

i really don't want to know.

gwenyth's tale..

It was quiet today as the sun slowly crept its way to the center of the sky. Twelve noon. Only the sound of shuffling feet and few birds flying around could be heard. It was probably the first time that they'd come out since everything had gone to hell. Living in this place the first thing you learn is to never trust the government and its scientists. They like toying with other peoples lives so long as they get a good pay check. Denver, Colorado was no exception to the rule. The people at Waverly & Co. had come up with a way to finally rid the human race of AIDS. They believed that their miracle drug, Dianysis, could cure anyone of AIDS for as long as they continued usage. Not to mention that the drug helped build up peoples immune systems to unbelievable heights. For the first seven months after the drug was given out on the streets everything seemed to go quite well. Those who had suffered for years and years finally knew what it was like to go back to being an average everyday person. Dianysis gave them the ability to live their lives as they had always wanted to before they were diagnosed. Doctor Richard Waverly had found a way to play god. But even if the greater population of America's youth refused to believe in the “man above,” mother nature was about to show them what happens to those who open that certain can of worms.

It was now 12:35pm in the Dillinger house hold and Everett Dillinger was setting the garbage cans out towards the road. He didn't even notice the fact that his wife, Maggie, had changed a little in the past few days or so. After she'd started taking Dianysis everything had finally began to work in the house hold. Her skin had started sprouting odd patches of gray here and there. She'd get tired often and Everett would once again have to explain to his daughters that they'd have to give up their privileges and come back home to help him out with their mother. But even with both Tessa and Gwenyth back at the house things still didn't improve. Her condition had only gotten worse. As a husband and father, all he could do was make his wife's last days as comfortable as possible. He could see her getting weaker and had already prepared himself to say goodbye. Yet nothing could prepare Everett for what happened next. Just as he pulled the recycling bin out to the front of the road a scream ripped through the house. With its high soprano he easily picked it out as Tessa. Without a moment to lose he raced into the house only to find Maggie, affectionate mother of his children and caring wife, with her face buried in his daughters neck. What was a father to do? 

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Gwenyth Dillinger had always been the only daughter of the Dillinger two who had actually been able to play the role of both caretaker and son. She'd often gone to the shooting range with her father and even helped him when it came to hunting season. The girl even had her own collection of guns. At 21 she was in her last year of college and preparing to follow in her fathers foot steps and become a marshall. But she had to put that all on hold for a few months while she helped her father care for her sick mother. Being the realist that she was Gwen had expected that stupid drug to fail out on them but she'd let her father have his false sense of hope in it. When Maggie started to get worse Gwen had to fight the urge to tell her father “I told you so.” She simply let things flow as they would and waited for her mother to die. But even years of waiting to walk into her parents bedroom to find her mother without a pulse hadn't prepared her for what was down stairs. Tessa's scream had startled her from her sleep so much so that she fell off of her bed. Her mind couldn't make sense of it all. What on Earth would make her older sister scream that way? Without even thinking about it, Gwen slipped a hand under her pillow to pull her last Christmas present out from under it. The Kimber fit nicely in her small hands as she slowly stood and headed towards the stairs. 

The only sounds to be heard below were the snapping of teeth and the wet sound of ripping flesh. Gwen stopped at the bottom of the stairway to find the front door open. Outside there were people running this way and that but it didn't make sense. What the fuck was going on?! She rounded the stairs and with her gun aimed finally entered the living room where it seemed the real horror had unfolded. Tessa with her lithe figure lay motionless, eyes staring blindly at the roof, in a puddle of her own blood. “Tess?” Gwen murmured weakly as she took it all in. But she couldn't simply kneel near her sister just yet. She needed to find her parents first. It wasn't hard to find Maggie either. Once Gwen moved towards the couch she could see the top of her mothers head bobbing up and down as if she were trying to pull something with her teeth. “Mom?” No answer. “Mom whats going on and wheres Da-” As soon as Gwen moved to where she could see her mother she found her father. His six foot frame was curled in upon itself like a fetus. He was still breathing while her mother pulled pieces of his innards into her mouth. The first few tears started to well up in Gwen's eyes as she took it all in. How could this have happened? How could she have let this happen? While Gwen tried to pull it all together her mother finally looked up. The look in her eyes was completely feral like Maggie wasn't in there at all. Her mother's once blue eyes were now glazed over with a thick film of white. She stood with a piece of her husband in one hand and slowly crept toward Gwen. 

“Stay back Mom.” Gwenyth's voice was barely a whisper as she continued, “I don't want to shoot you... please.” But all of her pleading was in vain. The creature that was now her mother made a lunge at her but Gwen was faster than that. Automatically she let off a round right into her mothers head. Terrified with both herself and the scene that was going on she ran from the living room with her gun in a death grip. More of those things were making their way into her house just as she was almost near the top of the stairs. These didn't hesitate like her mother. They ran up the stairs after her like clumsy beasts. The only place she could think to run to was her fathers trophy room. Instinct directed her into the room and quickly she closed the door and blocked it with one of her fathers heavy chairs. It wouldn't hold for long she knew but it would hold in just enough time for her to stock up on some more guns and climb out the window. She did just that. Sure enough, they burst through the doorway just as she slipped out the window and onto the roof. The sight below was absolutely terrifying. People were running everywhere with those things running right behind them. Gwen could still hear the sound of her sisters scream ringing in her ears. But she blocked it all out. Not right now, not right now. She climbed down the side of the roof all in due time. Finally making it to her car and hauling ass out of her neighborhood. While she watched the people she'd spent most of her life around get killed by the people who were supposed to protect them. She had no idea where she was going either all she knew was that she had to get out of there. 

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Three months later and Gwen was in a different car riding along the streets of Denver and trying to find supplies. She looked out the windows of the van with one of her many rifles sitting in her lap. For such a small woman she sure made up for it in both knowledge and weaponry. In Gwenyth's case looks can most definitely be deceiving. At 22 she still hadn't lost the softness around her face that labeled most as underage. Her baby blue's were big and lined with thick brown lashes. Even her hair with its natural brown waves seemed to shape her into a soft creature of inside jokes and late night nail polishing. Being five feet exactly didn't help to give you a clue as to her age either. She would look like a sixteen year old probably her entire life. But that was exactly what motivated her to be something more. Gwenyth had always been the girl who was surrounded by boys for reasons like motor cross racing and Sunday football fests. She was that girl that most guys considered their sister. Yet Gwen still managed to be cute. A beautiful girl that made men want to shake her hand rather than ogle her breasts? Now that is a first. But she'd earned their respect and fought for the right to be treated equal. Her strength showed in the way she sat up straight with her eyes fixed on the world around her even though she'd lost her entire family. This new group of people was now her family. And she wouldn't let them down like she'd done her real one.

“How long 'til we reach the shopping center?” She asked no one in particular. Gwen simply expected someone to answer. It was clear from the silence in the van that everyone was tired. But they needed to get this done before nightfall or they would really be in deep trouble. The “Boagies” as she called the zombies came out more at night than in the day. Something about the sun seemed to slow them all down but once it set it was like a whole new ball game. Of course the group had plenty of time to get to the shopping center and get back. But Gwen wanted to get back early so that they could secure the area before they settled in for the night. The apartment building that they temporarily called home needed to last them a few more days before they were ready to start heading towards Alaska. There was supposed to be a colony of survivors there. Something about the cold killing the creatures long before they even reached the camp. Gwen was a little suspicious but it was better than sitting like ducks waiting for the wolves to finally pick them off. The group had originally started of as ten and now there was only six left. Gwen only really cared for three but either way, she owed it to herself to protect as many as she could for as long as she could. 

With no ones answer she figured that she hadn't spoken loud enough so she asked her question again. But this time she turned in her seat so that she was facing the man beside her who everyone had voted as leader of their little group. “How long 'til we reach there?”

don't cry i'll bring this home to you..